Next Day

So, writing it all out like that really did help yesterday. Maybe it's not as pretty sounding as I might have liked, but it did what it was supposed to do.

After reading yesterday's post, a friend of mine says that I'm depressed. After re-reading the post from yesterday, I'd have to agree with her. However, I don't think it's the same as the depression I dealt with in the past. Before, I had no idea why I felt crappy and tired and all. But, right now, I have a pretty good idea what is causing it. It's probably a combination of things. I guess that doesn't really matter right now, though. It also feels different. There's not the utter hopelessness. I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself, but I'm not. There's pain, yes. It is causing me to lose my appetite (don't worry, I'm still eating, like I've said before...), lose sleep (this one I'm not sure how to force...), and lose energy (I wouldn't say I've lost interest, luckily...), yes. But there isn't the black, evil feeling from before. Thank God. That was always the worst part. Feeling of being stuck with no way to get out. Is the pain I feel right now depression? Probably. Is it as bad as before? I think that's irrelevant. Is it different this time? Absolutely. Why? Because I really do feel hope in the pain. Actually, there is a Superchick song called "Beauty from Pain." It's very true and I hope I'm getting better at seeing the beauty during the pain as well as after. Not that it makes it hurt less, just easier to deal with.

One lucky thing is that this whole thing is that it comes in waves. I feel the worst when I'm alone and at night. When I'm around people, I am energized and feel great. Like, "Yeah, it's annoying, but it's not forever and I can definitely deal with it." Probably because I'm sanguine.

Thus, I have found the solution to my problem: hang out with people 24/7! j/k ^_-

I'm sure there is a lot of stuff I could do to help. Spend more time with God (which I need to do anyway), normal sleep pattern (or attempt), etc. My sister was right. I'm good at burying my issues instead of dealing with them. I guess I'm struggling with knowing what the difference is. You'd think I'd know by now. Oh, life! Lol, well I know the different results: one helps you get over the hurdle (I'm very happy to say I have done this in the past through counceling...) and the other causes festering and eventual explosion (this is the one I'm good at...). But, on the practical level, what's the difference? I know one is ignoring and the other is facing it. But what does that mean? I'm getting a little tired of the platitude of "dealing with the problem." That sounds nice and all, but what does it practically mean? While counceling has helped me in the past, it's not a cureall. That is actually something it taught me. It is one way to help. But what are otherways of facing the problem without going to a professional? Call me stubborn, but I'm learning that my independent streak is very strong and I really want to get over this without the help of a professional.

So...thoughts anyone?

Been a while...and...not much has changed

There are many times when I wish I was gifted with words like my sister. She can write about herself, life, emotions, whatever so beautifully, without her poetry sounding pretentious, cliche, or dry. How I wish I could do the same. Especially now. I feel like I can't even express how I feel. It's just kind of bubbling up inside. Like a pressure cooker. It's getting ready to explode. The last few times I've been able to release some of the pressure have only put a band aid on the pussing nastiness that seems to want to take over me. I want to sing it out, but I don't know the tune nor the words that fit. But I know that even screaming and crying and beating myself up won't fix it. But I'm not sure what else to do.

What makes it worse, is that most people (including myself) would just want to smack me if they heard what I'm in such a tizzy about. So...I'm not gonna tell you! >_<

I'll just babble for a while. Maybe that will help. Who knows. I guess I'll let you know after I'm done.

I have lost my appetite again. It started over the weekend when I was feeling queasy and puked and stuff, but it has not come back yet. If anything, it's gotten worse. I know how long I can go before I pass out from hunger now. It's really not very long. I could probably make it stretch longer if I drank more water. Don't worry, I'm not trying to starve myself. I just don't want to eat. After eating, I feel so distended and gross. I do eat because I'll get smacked (literally and figuratively) if I don't. But, it's getting hard again to force myself to eat.

Dancing used to be the best way for me to release my emotions that I couldn't otherwise express. I'd just bounce around my room for a while to songs that matched my feelings and slowly, slowly my inner turmoil and pain would subside. Now, I feel like so tired that it's hard to get up and move when I'm alone. Self consciousness begins to take over, even when there is no one there to judge me. So, my best venue for expression has become very hard for me right now.

Could be because I haven't been sleeping as much lately either. This semester has just been very hard for me on so many different levels. So, you'd think I'd totally crash when I'm able to at night. Ha ha ha! Funny child! I lie there on the border of dream land and...can't get in. It's like my body and brain are not in sync with the whole sleep concept. Oh, yea. And that old line of "cried myself to sleep" is just that. Just an old line. When you cry before you sleep, you don't sleep.

It's moments like these that I wonder if God can really use me. Here I am, not taking care of myself, an emotional wreck who can't use her emotional outlet, little kid who's slowly turning into an insomniac. How am I usable when I'm like this? Huh! How?! Is God showing me to rely on him more? That it's a daily process. I'm remembering the sermon from yesterday right now. The idea that we must be constantly be filled because "we leak." Lol, I feel like while most people need an occasional refill, I need a constant hose pouring into me. Maybe I'm trying to rely on myself too much. Or on others. I don't know.

Right now, I just know that it hurts. So much so that I can physically feel the pain. Tears aren't helping but they won't stop anyway. I'm reverting backwards and staying in the same spot. And yet, is it too much to say that I'm sorry but I don't ever want to hear you say that you're sorry? Don't say you're sorry or that you have regrets. Don't be in pain. Promise me that you aren't sorry or in pain. Please let me deal with it.

"I was born to laugh. I learned to laugh through my tears...Thank God for this new laughter. Thank God the joke's on me." The joke is on me. The ever paradox, the oxymoron. ;')

A Guidebook to Unrequited Love

Perhaps I'm just being silly and all, not knowing how else to deal with stuff except to make myself laugh. That's what I was born to do! (Ask me about the theme song of my life by Over the Rhine! ^_-)

By being silly, I deal with certain situations and pain. In this case, I will share with you all the rules of dealing with unrequited love. Trust me. I'm an expert. These rules help you to maintain your sanity when watching the one you like not return the feelings. At least they are the results of all the times I've had to deal with it, which is basically the story of my life when it comes to romance.

Just as a disclaimer and so no one shoots me down, I have had a boyfriend. That was back in high school. I don't really count this last incident cause it was way too short to even remotely resemble a real relationship. I have only turned down a guy once, again in high school. (Actually one of the biggest regrets within my story of "lurve," but that's another tale...) Thus, the majority of my experiences with love have been unrequited.

And so, I shall list the rules that I found were the most beneficial to me in hopes that others may benefit from them.

Okay, okay. I'm bored, silly, and don't know how else to deal with this crap save turn it all into an odd joke, but, heck, it makes me feel better...and I'm having fun with it!!! :D

Moving on...

Oh, yea, and fyi: these are directed towards girls...sorry, boys! No advice for you...save that this might give you insight into the mind of one very strange girlie! ^_^ But please correct or comment if you think I'm totally off base, okay la?

Here I go!

Guide #1: Avoidance. This only works if you don't want to even be friends with them or if you hope they like you and want to play hard to get in hopes they'll become interested. If you don't want to be friends with them, then you've really got to evaluate why you like them. Shouldn't relationships start with friendship anyway? Sure, it may hurt, but it's better than not being near them. And if you are playing hard to get, just don't play games. It may sound attractive and fun, but if they're gonna like you, they're gonna like you whether you play hard to get or not. Just be yourself!

Guide #2: Keeping your mind in the right place. This is one of the hard parts. It is really easy to try to rationalize why they don't like you romantically. You may think you aren't attractive/pretty enough or that you're too girlie or too boyish. Don't think too hard!! It could be that they just don't see you in that light. And you know what? That's okay! That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you! They may very well find you extremely attractive. They just aren't attracted to you in the romantic sense. Okay la? Don't get down on yourself. It only makes you hurt more and doesn't improve the situation. It's a waste of energy and time. True, it's hard, but just keep reminding thyself to not over think every little detail.

Guide #3: Tears. It's okay to shed those. Really. It is. If it makes you feel better, go for it! It absolutely does hurt, so don't pretend that it doesn't! So, go ahead and have a good cry or two. Alone or with your girl friends, whichever suites your fancy the best. Just don't over do it. Don't waste too much of your precious self over this guy, because obviously he's not agonizing over/longing after you. Don't give away too much of yourself before it is asked for, because when the right guy does finally show up, you'll have less to give to him.

Guide #4: Keeping your heart in the right place. This is the final and hardest guideline I have to offer you all. This takes a lot of practice, too. A lot of experimentation before the balance is found. The point is not to deny your feelings. That only causes coldness and a lock to be placed on your heart. Then it rusts and it's harder to open up when you finally want to. So, while not denying the feelings you have, you must not run away with them. It's the idea of "hoping for the best, expecting the worst" rationale. It is keeping the door open while not focusing all your attention on whether or not he's gonna walk through it. Enjoy the friendship. Enjoy being with him and spending time. Make beautiful memories. That way, you aren't wasting your time worrying about a relationship when you could be enjoying their company. The worst thing that could happen is that you get an amazing friend out of it. Absolutely it hurts. But, it's not like you have any choice in the matter of a relationship possibility when it's not a mutual attraction. Thus, your only choice is in your attitude. Learn to be content with the good over the best in the matters of your heart. Learn to accept it and smile. This is the key to dealing with unrequited love.

That's about it, folks! So, what did ya'll think of my ideas? I don't think they'll work for everybody because everybody's obviously different, but maybe it'll help some of you.

Walk with the King and be a Blessing (^_^)/

Post-conference: debrief and all

It turns out it was a good thing I went to the IV conference, Compelling. I managed to get a sore throat, but I think it'll go away fairly quickly...I hope? ^_^

I wouldn't say that I had a mountain top experience. I've been trying to avoid those, as you'd know if you've read one of my previous posts. I also wouldn't say that growth didn't occur. It definitely did. My track was called "Sexy on the Inside." It was all about intimacy and how God had intended it. Much of the time was spent doing personal time with God. That is what I think was the most beneficial. I was able to talk somethings over with the King and learned a lot about myself. I learned that while I know I am forgiven, I still feel impure. The healing is leaving a nasty scar that feels like it is inhibiting my cleanliness. I'm not quite sure how to stop this and feel pure again, but at least I recognize it and can now talk to my Father God about it. Perhaps when I am able to feel pure again, I will stop having flashbacks. Maybe. Who knows.

Another thing that was brought to light was something that I need constant reminder about and has often come up in my spiritual walk: relying on God alone for joy and fulfillment, letting Him be my one and only lover, my husband. I seriously think I should tattoo that to my forehead or something...He is the only one who won't let me down. Ever. I keep wanting to put faith in people when I should only have faith in Him. I remember back when I've lost friendship, trust in guys, trust in myself, etc. and I am reminded that only the Lord is constant. Never changing. People change too quickly for my taste. Not that I don't like people. I love people. I think I've just had too high expectations of my neighbor(s).

Lastly, God has given me a kind of peace regarding my latest dumb move in my life. (See last entry.) While the pain is still very real and I'm an idiot for still lingering on the past, I feel better, willing to smile and accept the role of sister. God showed me that I need to keep my mind and heart on one thing: Taiwan/future ministry. My eyes must not be led away from that goal. Sure, I may feel lonely some days, but I'll try to fall back on God when I feel like that. I was silly for allowing myself to entertain the idea of a boy in my life. All it did in the end was bring dissatisfaction in my life. I was perfectly content before. Oh, sure, I was attracted to boys and had random crushes, had my days when I was thinking, "God, where is he? I'm lonely," but all in all, I was satisfied. Or at least getting there. Romance in my life only brings a longing that hurts me and ends crappy. Therefore, I will keep my focus on my future, the vision God has given me for my life. Should I never have a significant other, I'll be happy because at least God gave me the joy of romance for a day. At least I was told I was beautiful and believed it. At least I was held close with real feeling and affection. My hand was held again. I felt truly special. I am so grateful to have experienced that. That bursting joy. That feeling that "you want the world to know it too" (line from a song from "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers"). It was great and I am really thankful for it. I may not have as many memories as I would have hoped, but at least I have those few. I suppose they were worth the pain in order to get.

I think I contradicted myself by saying that they were worth the pain after stating that I shouldn't get romantic anymore/romance ends crappy/keep my focus on the future/etc. but I am a paradox. A complex, girly paradox. And loving it. ^_-

*Edit: I forgot to add this little observation about God and myself when I first wrote this post. Here it goes. I think God has allowed certain things to happen in my life - like the most recent "hiccup" - because He knows I'm resilient. He knows I bounce back quickly. Very quickly Even after some of the most devastating things in my life, I've started moving forward sooner than others do who have gone through similar things. I don't know. Maybe that's why He allowed some things. I'm just stubborn, optimistic, Pollyanna, too-stupid-to-know-better or something. Perhaps that's it...But who knows...yea, that's about it.

Walk with the King and be a Blessing (^_^)/

I Give Up

Yea. I really should be working on my prompt book right now. It's due tomorrow. And I have to be up for clinicals in about 6 hours. Yet, I am here writing.

I'd like to ditto my last entry.

And add a little, of course.

Basically, I'm done. I give up. I can't do this anymore. You all might as well know. I had a boyfriend for less than 12 hours yesterday. Yea. How pathetic is that? He broke up with me within 12 hours of wanting to start a relationship. I feel so silly about that. So stupid. I was so happy. But, I forgot that the happier you are, the worse it hurts when it ends. I never thought I could relate to a Fahrenheit song so well. Here is the song (the song is translated, too). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03kgyeV55qw

I couldn't/can't stop crying. Crying like an idiot. Wanting to hold onto something that is not for me to hold on to. I'm such a moron for still liking a guy who doesn't have any kind of romantic feeling for me. Is it wrong that I still want to be held by him? Is it wrong that I miss his smell? Is it wrong that I can't be mad at him? I was angry with him for about 5 minutes. Then, it went away. I just can't stand the feeling of being angry with him. I want him back. I want him to hold me and tell me silly stories again. I want him to tease me and call me beautiful. It hurt so much to hear him tell me that he felt nothing but friendship. How did he lose his affection within 12 hours? That much made no sense to me. I mostly understood why he'd want to break up because he felt that God didn't want him to date right now. I didn't/wouldn't like it but could have dealt with it. But, I'm nothing but "a sister" now. Feelings gone, just like that. I think that's what hurts the most. And yet, I can't bear the thought of him not being a part of my life. Even if I am only a friend, I want to be near him. I want to be by his side.

Why do guys say that "you'll meet someone better" or whatever? I don't want someone else! I just want to be with you!! "Someone better?" That's bullshit. Complete. You made me become vulnerable and want you. Then you say that I should be with someone else? How is that supposed to make me feel any better?!

Okay, okay. I'll stop ranting. Bottom line, I give up. I give up on romance. I can't do this anymore. I am not strong or brave enough. I'm a coward. It's not worth it. Although, I am so grateful I was able to experience that happiness, if only for a day. But, I can't do it again. So, I'm done. I'm done with it all. I can't deal with it. I give up.

Many Tears

I really want to scream right now. As hard as I can. But I can't. Instead, my tears keep spilling down. I can't stop them.

Why did I have to put myself out there and take a risk? I know better. I really do. I forgot the promise I made to myself to protect myself, keep my heart closed forever. But, foolish me, allowed myself to wish and dream and risk. Stupid. I am so stupid. I really need to remember who I am and where I've been, what I've done. I've always felt like I was never lucky enough to experience certain happinesses. And, yet again, I was proved right. I feel so silly right now. Peace, you say? How can I feel peace? I'm too stupid for that. I really need to remember not to hope for such selfish things as I have. Have you forgotten, Becca? How could you? Just don't even entertain thoughts about certain ideals. They aren't for you.

"Hands touch, eyes meet.
Sudden silence, sudden heat.
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl...
Don't dream too far,
don't lose sight of who you are.
Don't remember that rush of joy...
Every so often we long to steal
to the land of what might have been.
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
when reality sets back in...
Don't wish, don't start.
Wishing only wounds the heart.
I wasn't made for the rose and the pearls..."
~excerpts from a song from the musical "Wicked"

That song sums a lot of it up. I guess it's a good thing that "I've learned to laugh through my tears." (Over the Rhine) Except, I shouldn't learn to "love without fear." (Same song from Over the Rhine.) That's too scary. Too risky. I'm not strong enough. I'm too scared now.

Of Faith and Patience and Stuff

Over the last two years, God had really shown me what faith is. I now understand that it is holding on and trusting when you have no idea what is going on or why you are even holding on anymore. Faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see." (Hebrews? something? I suck at references. I'm not even sure if that is an exact quote. It's been a while since that year of Bible quizzing and I'm feeling really lazy right now so I'm not going to look it up. I know, lame.) This quote points to waiting and being patient.

Patience. That is one thing I have always lacked. Even when waiting for the dumb light to change when I'm crossing the street. Waiting for school to get over. Waiting for my sister to show up to hang out. Waiting for someone to flip my ring around. (My ring is an Irish colada ring...) Although, that last one is more of a wish rather than an expectation.

As we wait through faith for certain things to happen or be revealed, we have no choice but sit. We (typically) don't know what will happen or what God's will is, His plan. Our only choice is found in our attitude toward the waiting. We can either be anxious and frustrated or we can chill and trust God. But, if we are anxious, are we still trusting? If we are living our faith and leaning on God's will and plan, will we not freak out anymore? Are we always going to be content and patient? Absolutely not! (I feel like Paul here...) This is were the paradox lies. Faith is holding on when we are freaking and patience is waiting for God's timing and/or answer with confidence.

So...we are confidently freaking? Maybe?

I know I probably sound really idiotic in this posting, but it was fun to think through while I am personally struggling with not knowing the future plans my Daddy has for me (both the near future and the distant). It can be quite annoying sometimes, the not knowing.

Another quick note is that sometimes God answers your prayers with a "yes" and a sigh. He allows you to have your desire, even if He knows it's not the best for you. It'll bring you more pain. In my case, I really wanted to know something. Now that I found that something out, it's hurting more now than beforehand. Makes me want to tell God that I've changed my mind. He really does know best and will let you experience things and learn things when you are ready for them. The more I learn about God and life and stuff, the more I realize how utterly foolish I am and how wise the King is. Why don't I just let Him control? That's what I should be doing anyway. Paul said it very well in Romans: "I do not understand what I do." Yup. That's me!

Okay, I'll stop my ramblings. I hope I made a little bit of sense today.

Walk with the King and be a Blessing! (^_^)/

Wo = baichi yinwei wo xi huan ta and Goodly News and Gabber

Why do my blogs always end up being such downers? If I had to guess, it would be because I only ever feel inspired to write here when I'm struggling, which is often. Or at least, something like that.

Don't worry too much, though. I'll end lighter. ^_^

"Ever feel like you've become the worst version of yourself?" That's a quote-ish from "You've Got Mail." I love that quote because I feel like that a lot. Yesterday especially.

Let me sort of explain. In non-specific terms. Mostly cause I'm afraid to get specific. Yea. It will be a little/a lot spastic and scatter brained but whatever. I guess you can ask me about it later if you really are confused.

Here it is.

Ever want something so bad it hurts? Yet, that thing is out of your control. Unattainable. You aren't even worthy of gaining it. Someone else deserves to get it before you do.
Ever been offered something you don't really want but consider it just because of the flattery of the offer? Because it felt/feels good to get the attention?
Know the song "I'm Not That Girl" from "Wicked"?

Over the Rhine kind of summed up this pretty well in their song "Latter Days." Check out the song here (sorry it's a live performance...) on youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftnjUpoCHAg

Well. That's basically it. At least on that issue.

On a far, far happier note, I gave my testimony at Real Life on Tuesday. It went really well. Really well. Far better than I ever expected. God is cool like that. I am so thankful for those who supported me through their prayers and/or presence. I can't even express how grateful I was when I heard Jess was coming up. She really is the best sister I could ever ask for. Te quiero, Ssica! *tackles*

I am slowly trying to lose myself in God again. That feeling that nothing else is needed because I am so much in love with Him. He really should be the one who satisfies me. I should be content in Him alone. This has always been hard for me to maintain. Through life and curve balls thrown at me, it has become more and more evident that God is the only one for me. Why am I such a prostitute wife to Him? Yet, He always calls me back. You'd think I would have gotten it by now. There's no one who can satisfy me like He does. He gives joy, no one else.

To get better this losing myself-ness, I am working on my spiritual fuel. What keeps me excited for my relationship with my Father King? Emotions? That's crap. Emotions are fleeting, even more than dandelion seeds. I am too ruled by my emotions as it is. How can I let them dictate my walk?

What about spiritual highs? You know, like the ones you get on retreats or conferences or whatnot. Those should be good, right? Well, not really. At least not for me. That fuel is more like putting dried pine needles on the fire. Fun, pretty, exciting, loud, explosive. Over in a flash. It is not a good fuel. After one of those really high mountains follows a deep valley to match. No thank you. Not for me. If that's how you roll, go for it. But, I wouldn't recommend it.

A friend of mine, Dustin, once told me that it shouldn't be a down pour. It shouldn't be mountains and valleys. Rather, a shimmering rain. A steady incline. Constancy. Slow and steady. Maybe I'm being a coward and taking the easy way. But for me, this is what fuel should be. Steady. Constant. Will I still slip? Duh. I do everyday. Will I grow? I probably won't feel the growth like I have before, but I hope I will. How will I maintain this shimmering incline? Disciplines are probably a good place to start.

So, should I do spiritual disciplines because I should or because I want to? If it is because I should, isn't that legalism? But if I do them only when I want to, it'll never happen or be inconsistent at best. That is how it worked in the past.

So, will disciplines be my fuel? My motivation to only look at God? The thing that keeps me satisfied? Not sure. Honestly, constancy and motivation have never been my strong points...

Many Ramblings

Wow! It's been a while since I last posted...oops.

Anywho, there's been a lot of things happening recently and I guess I wanna blow some steam. Or ask for prayer. Or something. I dunno. I'm just being me, as usual! ^_-

The first thing is that I just watched a video on youtube about abortions. Most people know where I stand on the issue. I'm not as right-wing as some people, but I'm definitely pro-life. Where the line is, I can tell you at a later date...that's not the point at the moment. The video was VERY, VERY, pro-life. It showed pictures of aborted babies, as well as police beating up people who were protesting. I don't know if they were being disruptive and it was "called for," but it didn't look right. Well, back to the pics. I wanted to puke. I seriously felt sick to my stomach. They were disgusting. It made me more sure of my stand on the issue. I think that there needs to be a line made that restricts when an abortion can occur. Many/Most of these were way, way past the line.

But this brings up another issue. Some of the pictures had roses by the dead fetus. Like a funeral. However, if the church is so adiment about this issue, why don't they hold funerals for spontaneous abortions, i.e. a miscarriage? Why don't we? We can't have it both ways. There needs to be consistency.

What do ya'll think? Here is the link if you want to see it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDtUqImGjeg&feature=related

Another thing is that I need prayer. I am going to be (hopefully, maybe, probably) going to be giving my testimony at Real Life on Nov 4th. If any of you know me and my testimony, you'll understand why I need prayer. That is a very scary date for me (although Nov 5th is "worse," I guess) to be talking about myself. I just need strength to not breakdown or something. Yea. It will start (I'm assuming) with the drama I created that represents my testimony. For that, I'm actually quite excited. I think it could be very powerful. I really want to encourage people in their walk and faith in God throught this story. It's not supposed to be about me. I pray that I will keep it that way.

If any of you could come and support me that day at Real Life, come to the Centennial room beside Quiznos at about 7:30/7:45 or so. I'd more that appreciate it.

Now for the last part.

I AM SUCH A SILLY GIRL!!!!!!!!!!! Grrr. I really wish I could keep my head on straight. Arg. Oh, why must the heart be so fast to cling onto another? Why must I feel the need to give my heart away before it is asked for? I AM SO STUPID!!!!!!!!!!

*exhale* Now I feel a little better.

Yup. That's basically it. Hopefully I won't be as delinquent or long winded in my writing next time.

Walk with the King and be a Blessing!

(^_^)/

I'm Being Such a Girl...and a Long Winded One at that!

There are many times in my life that I more than enjoy being female. The utter silliness, make-up, dresses, and deep feelings that come with the territory. I love how complex we women are and the utter confusion we can cause to the males in our lives. I'm being honest! It's hilarious sometimes. Of course there is always the opposite when it is heartbreaking or frustrating. But I'm starting to go on a rabbit trail.

Back on track now...

There are just so many things that I love about being a woman, but there are at least just as many things I don't. I don't know if it's because of the fall of man that makes women unhappy with themselves, but it sickens me. I want to be happy with myself but can't seem to keep a hold on the belief that God thinks I'm beautiful how I am now. Completely beautiful. I have a few days here and there that I understand and am content, but it's very hard. I wonder why. Why am I not content with God alone? Why do I feel that I must meet other people's approval or yearn for their admiration? Why must I be beautiful by man's standards? Even as I write this, I feel guilty for wanting to go get dinner. I don't get myself.

That leads into another thing that I love about being a girl I have already mentioned: the complexity. However, this is also a curse. If even I don't get myself, how do I expect anyone else to understand? Why must emotions, feelings, etc. be so wavering? One minute, completely overwhelmed by the fun I'm having, and the next plagued by what was thought to be old news or something. I am very unsteady, out of control of my emotions. I hate that. It's freakin' annoying. That is actually one point that I envy boys on: their ability not to be totally out of control of emotions. At least in general it seems that way. Why must girls get mood swings, Lord?

Speaking of mood swings...

I was playing Ultimate Frisbee this last Thursday and having a blast with everyone. I was only one of two girls on the field. It was great and hilarious. I love hanging out with guys. (Not that I don't love girl time! ^_^) Anywho, there I was playing Ultimate when I got flashbacks. Those suck. Hard core. There's so little you can do to control them. If you can control them at all. It's like you're there again and want to change it, but can't. That causes panic. And that causes a panic attack. And that causes tachypnea. And that causes too much oxygen to be absorbed. And that causes fainting. Thank goodness I know how to keep from fainting. (Cover your mouth and breath in carbon dioxide.) But, I didn't/don't know how to stop flashbacks and I knew I was acting wierd. Everyone kept asking if I was okay. I couldn't just tell them that I was being dumb and couldn't control myself from remembering. I felt like crap and so, so dumb. I can't even control myself from remembering. Becca no baka.

I know that the flashbacks won't go away, but I wish I knew of a way to react when I get them. It's really embarrassing. It really sucks.

*Exhale*

I'm finally done ranting. I'm not sure if I made any sense or not, but I do feel better now. For this posting, I won't mind comments, but don't be cliche. I've heard all the "churchy" responses. I don't really need to hear that right now. I don't really know what I need to hear right now. I guess, just thanks for listening. Yea.

Walk with the King and be a blessing.

Not a Good Response...

So...

Earlier in the week, there was a group of evangelists that came to Ferris. The preacher/speaker would stand next to the library and shout out to people about who is going to hell and how to escape it. Except that he/she (the speakers would rotate) stated some things that really got my blood boiling. Christians don't sin (if you sin after accepting Christ, you will go to hell), God's love is conditional, you have to purify your life before Christ/God will accept you, and MLK is in hell are just a few of the things stated by the speaker that got me mad.

Thus, I tried to argue with him. Needless to say, I failed. He flat out told me that he didn't want to talk to me and that I was going to hell. Yea. I left after that.

But, being the stupid person I am, I went over to the people speaking more one on one and tried to argue with them. Yea. That was a smart one, Becca! All that happened was that I got angrier for being told that I am going to hell and am blinded by the enemy. They didn't even have a good response for my rebuttals. *Exhale*

All that happened only got people on the campus angry and thinking poorly of Christians. Well, I can't really say that. Maybe someone was touched and began thinking. I don't know. Overall, their message lacked love.

Then, I began to examine how I responded. I was angry with them for not being loving and I reacted the way I did! Not exactly a loving response. I was frustrated and annoyed and embarrassed. Should I have acted differently? Suppressed my anger? Was God happy with how I acted that day? Probably not.

However, Jesus did get angry. So, anger in and of itself is not evil. Maybe I just didn't react well to my anger.

There are a few videos on youtube about what happened. Here is one link if you want to check it out. I came out a little later after this video was made when my friend called me to tell me what was going on. You actually can see my dorm from the vid! ^_^ Also, there is some language, just to warn you. I found a total of 6 vids about the two days the preachers were there. Anywho, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irG9k3EML90&feature=related

Let me know what you think, ok la?

Sleepless in . . . Big Rapids?

I can't fall asleep. I'm insanely tired/sleepy, but dreamland is alluding me tonight.

I guess I'm thinking a lot about stuff. Mostly my failures. Why is it that it seems to hurt more when I fail man and not God? Sounds really backwards to me.

Among the numerous things plaguing my mind tonight that block the bridge to beautiful sleep is how annoyingly girly I am. How frustratingly insecure. I'm probably just having a bad day/night about all that. I talked to a friend of mine here at Ferris and it made me feel a little better. Not perfect and confident like I was yesterday, but better. I don't know why I'm having issues again. I had finally come to peace with everything (peace, not perfection) when suddenly, WHAM! I get struck with the aching knot known as loneliness. Or maybe bitterness or regret are better words. No, bitterness isn't quite right. Regret is pretty good. I feel like I've blown it and should just deal with the consequences.

Okay, I know. I'm being really vague, but this is a public diary! (^_-)

I calculated how many calories I ate this week and I was in the higher end of my goal range. I'm actually pretty excited about that. I made my goal! (By 145 calories . . .) I hope I can do better next week. I really want to get down to a healthy weight. I'm kinda tired of feeling like the "fat chick."

Maybe I'm not thinking about it in a good way. Maybe it's too vain. I hardly ate anything today until really late at night. I only ate cause I knew that if my sister heard of it, she'd have my brains disected or something. But it scared me to know that it didn't feel horrible to not really eat. "Maybe I could just not eat. I'd lose weight faster." That's what went through my head. That scared me. But, knowing myself and the fact that I fail so much and so incredibly easily, I might just do that next time. I really want to be thin. I really want to be beautiful. I really want to be strong and able to do things I can't right now because I'm to stinkin' fat. Really. I'm such an idiot, ne?

Becca no baka.

I have totally sucked this week in doing a daily time with God. I think it only happened twice. That's unacceptable. What's wrong with me? Here God gave me this vision of an awesome "boot camp" to get me back in shape, physically and spiritually, and I'm considering abandoning food and practically don't spend any time with my Lord. Grrr! This is so frustrating!

I feel very lazy. I don't have much motivation to do much of anything. Sure I go to class and do the minimum of homework and try to stay active on campus, but deep down, I'm feeling really empty. Really bleh and blah. I don't even want to watch Asian dramas or read mangas! That used to be what I'd always be doing. What kept me from hanging out with people and from homework. Now, I don't know how I feel. Like I should be doing something but lacking the ganas to do anything. Not quite sure of what to make of all of this one, folks. I've never encountered total lack of desire to do anything. Before I at least had the desire to lay down and do nothing. Now, that doesn't even sound appealing!

I suppose I'll try to go to sleep now. Maybe I can finally close my eyes, rest my head, and wander into a dream.

Walk with the King and be a blessing!

\(^_^)/

Semi-New Start

This isn't my first time writing a blog. I had one a while ago. I think in middle school or high school. But that doesn't really matter.

I'm kind of doing a reboot for myself. I was once a typical, churchy Christian who felt that all the answers were simple and people just need to believe and smile. Then, I went through a lot. Some my fault, some not. But, I have changed. Some good, some bad. Seeing where I've been and who I have become has excited, scared, and troubled me. There are many things I want to change about myself. Many disciplines I've lost or never had need to be placed in my life. Some attitudes need to be repaired or killed. I'm starting a lot of new things, like this blog, to try to become the child and woman God wants me to be. I know this is going to be a hard long road, but I know I need to work my way through it all. If I screw up, I screw up. I just hope that I have the strength and character to not go back.

I'm not very good with words and expressing myself very well, but I wish that this will be a place for me to record myself and the progression or digression I make. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the sad, the comical. I know that I'm being a little dramatic with all this, but there is this feeling of renewal and understanding that urges me to be a little foolish.

I could go on to explain all the little things I'm doing to become who I should, but I won't. I'll just explain why my title is "Adopted Daughter of King Yeshua." There is a verse in the Bible that talks about being "adopted as sons." (I have no idea where it is. I'm horrible with references. All I know is that it is in the New Testament - probably in one of Paul's letters, which isn't incredibly useful, I know.) Therefore, I have been adopted into God's family as a child. Into the family of Yeshua (a name for Christ), who is the King. This is a royal family. As a child of the royal family, I must conduct myself in a way befitting a princess, keeping in mind where I've come from. I know this is very cliche, but it has many implications that many don't think about. Being a royal means not shaming the King. We are representatives of the royal household. The royal household should be attractive to others. A place to aspire to. Am I doing this? Not very well. Am I being humble about my station? (I must remember where I've been in order to not become filled with pride.) Not really. These sort of changes are what I am working on. I want to become a woman of God, a daughter of the King, that my Abba will be proud of. I guess we'll see how it all goes.

Walk with the King and be a blessing!