I Give Up

Yea. I really should be working on my prompt book right now. It's due tomorrow. And I have to be up for clinicals in about 6 hours. Yet, I am here writing.

I'd like to ditto my last entry.

And add a little, of course.

Basically, I'm done. I give up. I can't do this anymore. You all might as well know. I had a boyfriend for less than 12 hours yesterday. Yea. How pathetic is that? He broke up with me within 12 hours of wanting to start a relationship. I feel so silly about that. So stupid. I was so happy. But, I forgot that the happier you are, the worse it hurts when it ends. I never thought I could relate to a Fahrenheit song so well. Here is the song (the song is translated, too). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03kgyeV55qw

I couldn't/can't stop crying. Crying like an idiot. Wanting to hold onto something that is not for me to hold on to. I'm such a moron for still liking a guy who doesn't have any kind of romantic feeling for me. Is it wrong that I still want to be held by him? Is it wrong that I miss his smell? Is it wrong that I can't be mad at him? I was angry with him for about 5 minutes. Then, it went away. I just can't stand the feeling of being angry with him. I want him back. I want him to hold me and tell me silly stories again. I want him to tease me and call me beautiful. It hurt so much to hear him tell me that he felt nothing but friendship. How did he lose his affection within 12 hours? That much made no sense to me. I mostly understood why he'd want to break up because he felt that God didn't want him to date right now. I didn't/wouldn't like it but could have dealt with it. But, I'm nothing but "a sister" now. Feelings gone, just like that. I think that's what hurts the most. And yet, I can't bear the thought of him not being a part of my life. Even if I am only a friend, I want to be near him. I want to be by his side.

Why do guys say that "you'll meet someone better" or whatever? I don't want someone else! I just want to be with you!! "Someone better?" That's bullshit. Complete. You made me become vulnerable and want you. Then you say that I should be with someone else? How is that supposed to make me feel any better?!

Okay, okay. I'll stop ranting. Bottom line, I give up. I give up on romance. I can't do this anymore. I am not strong or brave enough. I'm a coward. It's not worth it. Although, I am so grateful I was able to experience that happiness, if only for a day. But, I can't do it again. So, I'm done. I'm done with it all. I can't deal with it. I give up.