Wo = baichi yinwei wo xi huan ta and Goodly News and Gabber

Why do my blogs always end up being such downers? If I had to guess, it would be because I only ever feel inspired to write here when I'm struggling, which is often. Or at least, something like that.

Don't worry too much, though. I'll end lighter. ^_^

"Ever feel like you've become the worst version of yourself?" That's a quote-ish from "You've Got Mail." I love that quote because I feel like that a lot. Yesterday especially.

Let me sort of explain. In non-specific terms. Mostly cause I'm afraid to get specific. Yea. It will be a little/a lot spastic and scatter brained but whatever. I guess you can ask me about it later if you really are confused.

Here it is.

Ever want something so bad it hurts? Yet, that thing is out of your control. Unattainable. You aren't even worthy of gaining it. Someone else deserves to get it before you do.
Ever been offered something you don't really want but consider it just because of the flattery of the offer? Because it felt/feels good to get the attention?
Know the song "I'm Not That Girl" from "Wicked"?

Over the Rhine kind of summed up this pretty well in their song "Latter Days." Check out the song here (sorry it's a live performance...) on youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftnjUpoCHAg

Well. That's basically it. At least on that issue.

On a far, far happier note, I gave my testimony at Real Life on Tuesday. It went really well. Really well. Far better than I ever expected. God is cool like that. I am so thankful for those who supported me through their prayers and/or presence. I can't even express how grateful I was when I heard Jess was coming up. She really is the best sister I could ever ask for. Te quiero, Ssica! *tackles*

I am slowly trying to lose myself in God again. That feeling that nothing else is needed because I am so much in love with Him. He really should be the one who satisfies me. I should be content in Him alone. This has always been hard for me to maintain. Through life and curve balls thrown at me, it has become more and more evident that God is the only one for me. Why am I such a prostitute wife to Him? Yet, He always calls me back. You'd think I would have gotten it by now. There's no one who can satisfy me like He does. He gives joy, no one else.

To get better this losing myself-ness, I am working on my spiritual fuel. What keeps me excited for my relationship with my Father King? Emotions? That's crap. Emotions are fleeting, even more than dandelion seeds. I am too ruled by my emotions as it is. How can I let them dictate my walk?

What about spiritual highs? You know, like the ones you get on retreats or conferences or whatnot. Those should be good, right? Well, not really. At least not for me. That fuel is more like putting dried pine needles on the fire. Fun, pretty, exciting, loud, explosive. Over in a flash. It is not a good fuel. After one of those really high mountains follows a deep valley to match. No thank you. Not for me. If that's how you roll, go for it. But, I wouldn't recommend it.

A friend of mine, Dustin, once told me that it shouldn't be a down pour. It shouldn't be mountains and valleys. Rather, a shimmering rain. A steady incline. Constancy. Slow and steady. Maybe I'm being a coward and taking the easy way. But for me, this is what fuel should be. Steady. Constant. Will I still slip? Duh. I do everyday. Will I grow? I probably won't feel the growth like I have before, but I hope I will. How will I maintain this shimmering incline? Disciplines are probably a good place to start.

So, should I do spiritual disciplines because I should or because I want to? If it is because I should, isn't that legalism? But if I do them only when I want to, it'll never happen or be inconsistent at best. That is how it worked in the past.

So, will disciplines be my fuel? My motivation to only look at God? The thing that keeps me satisfied? Not sure. Honestly, constancy and motivation have never been my strong points...