Post-conference: debrief and all

It turns out it was a good thing I went to the IV conference, Compelling. I managed to get a sore throat, but I think it'll go away fairly quickly...I hope? ^_^

I wouldn't say that I had a mountain top experience. I've been trying to avoid those, as you'd know if you've read one of my previous posts. I also wouldn't say that growth didn't occur. It definitely did. My track was called "Sexy on the Inside." It was all about intimacy and how God had intended it. Much of the time was spent doing personal time with God. That is what I think was the most beneficial. I was able to talk somethings over with the King and learned a lot about myself. I learned that while I know I am forgiven, I still feel impure. The healing is leaving a nasty scar that feels like it is inhibiting my cleanliness. I'm not quite sure how to stop this and feel pure again, but at least I recognize it and can now talk to my Father God about it. Perhaps when I am able to feel pure again, I will stop having flashbacks. Maybe. Who knows.

Another thing that was brought to light was something that I need constant reminder about and has often come up in my spiritual walk: relying on God alone for joy and fulfillment, letting Him be my one and only lover, my husband. I seriously think I should tattoo that to my forehead or something...He is the only one who won't let me down. Ever. I keep wanting to put faith in people when I should only have faith in Him. I remember back when I've lost friendship, trust in guys, trust in myself, etc. and I am reminded that only the Lord is constant. Never changing. People change too quickly for my taste. Not that I don't like people. I love people. I think I've just had too high expectations of my neighbor(s).

Lastly, God has given me a kind of peace regarding my latest dumb move in my life. (See last entry.) While the pain is still very real and I'm an idiot for still lingering on the past, I feel better, willing to smile and accept the role of sister. God showed me that I need to keep my mind and heart on one thing: Taiwan/future ministry. My eyes must not be led away from that goal. Sure, I may feel lonely some days, but I'll try to fall back on God when I feel like that. I was silly for allowing myself to entertain the idea of a boy in my life. All it did in the end was bring dissatisfaction in my life. I was perfectly content before. Oh, sure, I was attracted to boys and had random crushes, had my days when I was thinking, "God, where is he? I'm lonely," but all in all, I was satisfied. Or at least getting there. Romance in my life only brings a longing that hurts me and ends crappy. Therefore, I will keep my focus on my future, the vision God has given me for my life. Should I never have a significant other, I'll be happy because at least God gave me the joy of romance for a day. At least I was told I was beautiful and believed it. At least I was held close with real feeling and affection. My hand was held again. I felt truly special. I am so grateful to have experienced that. That bursting joy. That feeling that "you want the world to know it too" (line from a song from "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers"). It was great and I am really thankful for it. I may not have as many memories as I would have hoped, but at least I have those few. I suppose they were worth the pain in order to get.

I think I contradicted myself by saying that they were worth the pain after stating that I shouldn't get romantic anymore/romance ends crappy/keep my focus on the future/etc. but I am a paradox. A complex, girly paradox. And loving it. ^_-

*Edit: I forgot to add this little observation about God and myself when I first wrote this post. Here it goes. I think God has allowed certain things to happen in my life - like the most recent "hiccup" - because He knows I'm resilient. He knows I bounce back quickly. Very quickly Even after some of the most devastating things in my life, I've started moving forward sooner than others do who have gone through similar things. I don't know. Maybe that's why He allowed some things. I'm just stubborn, optimistic, Pollyanna, too-stupid-to-know-better or something. Perhaps that's it...But who knows...yea, that's about it.

Walk with the King and be a Blessing (^_^)/