Why did I have to put myself out there and take a risk? I know better. I really do. I forgot the promise I made to myself to protect myself, keep my heart closed forever. But, foolish me, allowed myself to wish and dream and risk. Stupid. I am so stupid. I really need to remember who I am and where I've been, what I've done. I've always felt like I was never lucky enough to experience certain happinesses. And, yet again, I was proved right. I feel so silly right now. Peace, you say? How can I feel peace? I'm too stupid for that. I really need to remember not to hope for such selfish things as I have. Have you forgotten, Becca? How could you? Just don't even entertain thoughts about certain ideals. They aren't for you.
"Hands touch, eyes meet.
Sudden silence, sudden heat.
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl...
Don't dream too far,
don't lose sight of who you are.
Don't remember that rush of joy...
Every so often we long to steal
to the land of what might have been.
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
when reality sets back in...
Don't wish, don't start.
Wishing only wounds the heart.
I wasn't made for the rose and the pearls..."
~excerpts from a song from the musical "Wicked"
That song sums a lot of it up. I guess it's a good thing that "I've learned to laugh through my tears." (Over the Rhine) Except, I shouldn't learn to "love without fear." (Same song from Over the Rhine.) That's too scary. Too risky. I'm not strong enough. I'm too scared now.
2 comments:
I don't think you should close your heart forever. Your tears will and your scars will heal. This much I know. I can't promise things will work out next time but I can promise that they will. A wise man once told me
Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile,
And finds in your presence that life is worth while,
So when you are lonely, remember it's true:
Somebody, somewhere is thinking of you.
Hey Love!!!! Don't you start putting up walls now, your heart is a beautiful one that will mesh perfectly someday with the man God has made for you. For right now, some words of encouragement --> boys are dumb, throw rocks at them! hehe. ♥lomla
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