I can't fall asleep. I'm insanely tired/sleepy, but dreamland is alluding me tonight.
I guess I'm thinking a lot about stuff. Mostly my failures. Why is it that it seems to hurt more when I fail man and not God? Sounds really backwards to me.
Among the numerous things plaguing my mind tonight that block the bridge to beautiful sleep is how annoyingly girly I am. How frustratingly insecure. I'm probably just having a bad day/night about all that. I talked to a friend of mine here at Ferris and it made me feel a little better. Not perfect and confident like I was yesterday, but better. I don't know why I'm having issues again. I had finally come to peace with everything (peace, not perfection) when suddenly, WHAM! I get struck with the aching knot known as loneliness. Or maybe bitterness or regret are better words. No, bitterness isn't quite right. Regret is pretty good. I feel like I've blown it and should just deal with the consequences.
Okay, I know. I'm being really vague, but this is a public diary! (^_-)
I calculated how many calories I ate this week and I was in the higher end of my goal range. I'm actually pretty excited about that. I made my goal! (By 145 calories . . .) I hope I can do better next week. I really want to get down to a healthy weight. I'm kinda tired of feeling like the "fat chick."
Maybe I'm not thinking about it in a good way. Maybe it's too vain. I hardly ate anything today until really late at night. I only ate cause I knew that if my sister heard of it, she'd have my brains disected or something. But it scared me to know that it didn't feel horrible to not really eat. "Maybe I could just not eat. I'd lose weight faster." That's what went through my head. That scared me. But, knowing myself and the fact that I fail so much and so incredibly easily, I might just do that next time. I really want to be thin. I really want to be beautiful. I really want to be strong and able to do things I can't right now because I'm to stinkin' fat. Really. I'm such an idiot, ne?
Becca no baka.
I have totally sucked this week in doing a daily time with God. I think it only happened twice. That's unacceptable. What's wrong with me? Here God gave me this vision of an awesome "boot camp" to get me back in shape, physically and spiritually, and I'm considering abandoning food and practically don't spend any time with my Lord. Grrr! This is so frustrating!
I feel very lazy. I don't have much motivation to do much of anything. Sure I go to class and do the minimum of homework and try to stay active on campus, but deep down, I'm feeling really empty. Really bleh and blah. I don't even want to watch Asian dramas or read mangas! That used to be what I'd always be doing. What kept me from hanging out with people and from homework. Now, I don't know how I feel. Like I should be doing something but lacking the ganas to do anything. Not quite sure of what to make of all of this one, folks. I've never encountered total lack of desire to do anything. Before I at least had the desire to lay down and do nothing. Now, that doesn't even sound appealing!
I suppose I'll try to go to sleep now. Maybe I can finally close my eyes, rest my head, and wander into a dream.
Walk with the King and be a blessing!
\(^_^)/
3 comments:
Might I suggest a book? Well it is a book/ bible study. It is called "Lord, Is it Warfare? Teach Me To Stand" and it is by Kay Arthur. It is about spiritual warfare and believe is or not, I think a lot of these negative feelings are coming from that. Later gator.
Oh I forgot! Another verse about the adoption is Ephesians 1:5!
I love you, Chica. I've been almost exactly there before... keep going, sleep helps, and call me if you feel discouraged and stuff.
I disagree with Mike: you don't need a study to go through or more to "do"; you just need to rest. God isn't angry with you. He'll still be there at the end of this emotional funk and He knows it's hard. So don't beat yourself up.
I love you!
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