There are many times in my life that I more than enjoy being female. The utter silliness, make-up, dresses, and deep feelings that come with the territory. I love how complex we women are and the utter confusion we can cause to the males in our lives. I'm being honest! It's hilarious sometimes. Of course there is always the opposite when it is heartbreaking or frustrating. But I'm starting to go on a rabbit trail.
Back on track now...
There are just so many things that I love about being a woman, but there are at least just as many things I don't. I don't know if it's because of the fall of man that makes women unhappy with themselves, but it sickens me. I want to be happy with myself but can't seem to keep a hold on the belief that God thinks I'm beautiful how I am now. Completely beautiful. I have a few days here and there that I understand and am content, but it's very hard. I wonder why. Why am I not content with God alone? Why do I feel that I must meet other people's approval or yearn for their admiration? Why must I be beautiful by man's standards? Even as I write this, I feel guilty for wanting to go get dinner. I don't get myself.
That leads into another thing that I love about being a girl I have already mentioned: the complexity. However, this is also a curse. If even I don't get myself, how do I expect anyone else to understand? Why must emotions, feelings, etc. be so wavering? One minute, completely overwhelmed by the fun I'm having, and the next plagued by what was thought to be old news or something. I am very unsteady, out of control of my emotions. I hate that. It's freakin' annoying. That is actually one point that I envy boys on: their ability not to be totally out of control of emotions. At least in general it seems that way. Why must girls get mood swings, Lord?
Speaking of mood swings...
I was playing Ultimate Frisbee this last Thursday and having a blast with everyone. I was only one of two girls on the field. It was great and hilarious. I love hanging out with guys. (Not that I don't love girl time! ^_^) Anywho, there I was playing Ultimate when I got flashbacks. Those suck. Hard core. There's so little you can do to control them. If you can control them at all. It's like you're there again and want to change it, but can't. That causes panic. And that causes a panic attack. And that causes tachypnea. And that causes too much oxygen to be absorbed. And that causes fainting. Thank goodness I know how to keep from fainting. (Cover your mouth and breath in carbon dioxide.) But, I didn't/don't know how to stop flashbacks and I knew I was acting wierd. Everyone kept asking if I was okay. I couldn't just tell them that I was being dumb and couldn't control myself from remembering. I felt like crap and so, so dumb. I can't even control myself from remembering. Becca no baka.
I know that the flashbacks won't go away, but I wish I knew of a way to react when I get them. It's really embarrassing. It really sucks.
*Exhale*
I'm finally done ranting. I'm not sure if I made any sense or not, but I do feel better now. For this posting, I won't mind comments, but don't be cliche. I've heard all the "churchy" responses. I don't really need to hear that right now. I don't really know what I need to hear right now. I guess, just thanks for listening. Yea.
Walk with the King and be a blessing.
2 comments:
Well It was great playing ultimate with you on Thursday as well. Being a women is a unique thing, special because God was so considerate and thoughtful when he created Adam, he didn't want adam to live a life without confusion, therefore created eve.. which also means confuzzy in abloutiticom language =) As a friend to a friend, You are beautiful from the outside and the inside. God created you in a special way that your beauty will not be the same as another persons beauty. I don't know why you have the feeling to meet other people's approvcal or admiration, perhaps you should focus on your spiritual beauty.. Your Christ-like in attitude and action beauty.. I don't think all men has standards, You can call me a liar if you don't agree but thats just my opinion.. most real men.. want to know that you feel beautiful for who you are, they want you to have that confidence in yourself, even though sometime its hard to have that confidence. Well, Boys do get mood swings sometime, but we are unexpressive in showing it. We by society's standard must not be expressive. we are to be solid and dominate... but me.. I feel that everyone should be able to express how their mood are.. and not be afraid of how people will view us men, Mood swings are part of life, so is flashbacks. It allow us to remember the past but to remember to pray about it.. pray for erasing the fear of reliving it, or pray for those that died in the flashback.. or whatever. Don't be afraid to dismiss you from activity to pray.. If you are around me and you have flashbacks.. don't be afraid to ask me to pray with you or whatnot. Sometime it's always good to have moral support in prayers. I know you said you don't want to hear churchy response, but then.. would you like to hear a liars response? I can tell you that you are all lying in your head.. and that these things you wrote are absolutely wrong... but I can't because these are your feelings.. and this response is the only way i know how to write back.. anywho.. i know you posted this 3 days ago.. but feel free to hit me up sometime. Have a great day and inshallah i will see you around..
oh also, sorry for the grammars and spelling.. =) just thought to add another comment warning the lack of proper English
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