Been a while...and...not much has changed

There are many times when I wish I was gifted with words like my sister. She can write about herself, life, emotions, whatever so beautifully, without her poetry sounding pretentious, cliche, or dry. How I wish I could do the same. Especially now. I feel like I can't even express how I feel. It's just kind of bubbling up inside. Like a pressure cooker. It's getting ready to explode. The last few times I've been able to release some of the pressure have only put a band aid on the pussing nastiness that seems to want to take over me. I want to sing it out, but I don't know the tune nor the words that fit. But I know that even screaming and crying and beating myself up won't fix it. But I'm not sure what else to do.

What makes it worse, is that most people (including myself) would just want to smack me if they heard what I'm in such a tizzy about. So...I'm not gonna tell you! >_<

I'll just babble for a while. Maybe that will help. Who knows. I guess I'll let you know after I'm done.

I have lost my appetite again. It started over the weekend when I was feeling queasy and puked and stuff, but it has not come back yet. If anything, it's gotten worse. I know how long I can go before I pass out from hunger now. It's really not very long. I could probably make it stretch longer if I drank more water. Don't worry, I'm not trying to starve myself. I just don't want to eat. After eating, I feel so distended and gross. I do eat because I'll get smacked (literally and figuratively) if I don't. But, it's getting hard again to force myself to eat.

Dancing used to be the best way for me to release my emotions that I couldn't otherwise express. I'd just bounce around my room for a while to songs that matched my feelings and slowly, slowly my inner turmoil and pain would subside. Now, I feel like so tired that it's hard to get up and move when I'm alone. Self consciousness begins to take over, even when there is no one there to judge me. So, my best venue for expression has become very hard for me right now.

Could be because I haven't been sleeping as much lately either. This semester has just been very hard for me on so many different levels. So, you'd think I'd totally crash when I'm able to at night. Ha ha ha! Funny child! I lie there on the border of dream land and...can't get in. It's like my body and brain are not in sync with the whole sleep concept. Oh, yea. And that old line of "cried myself to sleep" is just that. Just an old line. When you cry before you sleep, you don't sleep.

It's moments like these that I wonder if God can really use me. Here I am, not taking care of myself, an emotional wreck who can't use her emotional outlet, little kid who's slowly turning into an insomniac. How am I usable when I'm like this? Huh! How?! Is God showing me to rely on him more? That it's a daily process. I'm remembering the sermon from yesterday right now. The idea that we must be constantly be filled because "we leak." Lol, I feel like while most people need an occasional refill, I need a constant hose pouring into me. Maybe I'm trying to rely on myself too much. Or on others. I don't know.

Right now, I just know that it hurts. So much so that I can physically feel the pain. Tears aren't helping but they won't stop anyway. I'm reverting backwards and staying in the same spot. And yet, is it too much to say that I'm sorry but I don't ever want to hear you say that you're sorry? Don't say you're sorry or that you have regrets. Don't be in pain. Promise me that you aren't sorry or in pain. Please let me deal with it.

"I was born to laugh. I learned to laugh through my tears...Thank God for this new laughter. Thank God the joke's on me." The joke is on me. The ever paradox, the oxymoron. ;')