Next Day

So, writing it all out like that really did help yesterday. Maybe it's not as pretty sounding as I might have liked, but it did what it was supposed to do.

After reading yesterday's post, a friend of mine says that I'm depressed. After re-reading the post from yesterday, I'd have to agree with her. However, I don't think it's the same as the depression I dealt with in the past. Before, I had no idea why I felt crappy and tired and all. But, right now, I have a pretty good idea what is causing it. It's probably a combination of things. I guess that doesn't really matter right now, though. It also feels different. There's not the utter hopelessness. I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself, but I'm not. There's pain, yes. It is causing me to lose my appetite (don't worry, I'm still eating, like I've said before...), lose sleep (this one I'm not sure how to force...), and lose energy (I wouldn't say I've lost interest, luckily...), yes. But there isn't the black, evil feeling from before. Thank God. That was always the worst part. Feeling of being stuck with no way to get out. Is the pain I feel right now depression? Probably. Is it as bad as before? I think that's irrelevant. Is it different this time? Absolutely. Why? Because I really do feel hope in the pain. Actually, there is a Superchick song called "Beauty from Pain." It's very true and I hope I'm getting better at seeing the beauty during the pain as well as after. Not that it makes it hurt less, just easier to deal with.

One lucky thing is that this whole thing is that it comes in waves. I feel the worst when I'm alone and at night. When I'm around people, I am energized and feel great. Like, "Yeah, it's annoying, but it's not forever and I can definitely deal with it." Probably because I'm sanguine.

Thus, I have found the solution to my problem: hang out with people 24/7! j/k ^_-

I'm sure there is a lot of stuff I could do to help. Spend more time with God (which I need to do anyway), normal sleep pattern (or attempt), etc. My sister was right. I'm good at burying my issues instead of dealing with them. I guess I'm struggling with knowing what the difference is. You'd think I'd know by now. Oh, life! Lol, well I know the different results: one helps you get over the hurdle (I'm very happy to say I have done this in the past through counceling...) and the other causes festering and eventual explosion (this is the one I'm good at...). But, on the practical level, what's the difference? I know one is ignoring and the other is facing it. But what does that mean? I'm getting a little tired of the platitude of "dealing with the problem." That sounds nice and all, but what does it practically mean? While counceling has helped me in the past, it's not a cureall. That is actually something it taught me. It is one way to help. But what are otherways of facing the problem without going to a professional? Call me stubborn, but I'm learning that my independent streak is very strong and I really want to get over this without the help of a professional.

So...thoughts anyone?