Next Day

So, writing it all out like that really did help yesterday. Maybe it's not as pretty sounding as I might have liked, but it did what it was supposed to do.

After reading yesterday's post, a friend of mine says that I'm depressed. After re-reading the post from yesterday, I'd have to agree with her. However, I don't think it's the same as the depression I dealt with in the past. Before, I had no idea why I felt crappy and tired and all. But, right now, I have a pretty good idea what is causing it. It's probably a combination of things. I guess that doesn't really matter right now, though. It also feels different. There's not the utter hopelessness. I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself, but I'm not. There's pain, yes. It is causing me to lose my appetite (don't worry, I'm still eating, like I've said before...), lose sleep (this one I'm not sure how to force...), and lose energy (I wouldn't say I've lost interest, luckily...), yes. But there isn't the black, evil feeling from before. Thank God. That was always the worst part. Feeling of being stuck with no way to get out. Is the pain I feel right now depression? Probably. Is it as bad as before? I think that's irrelevant. Is it different this time? Absolutely. Why? Because I really do feel hope in the pain. Actually, there is a Superchick song called "Beauty from Pain." It's very true and I hope I'm getting better at seeing the beauty during the pain as well as after. Not that it makes it hurt less, just easier to deal with.

One lucky thing is that this whole thing is that it comes in waves. I feel the worst when I'm alone and at night. When I'm around people, I am energized and feel great. Like, "Yeah, it's annoying, but it's not forever and I can definitely deal with it." Probably because I'm sanguine.

Thus, I have found the solution to my problem: hang out with people 24/7! j/k ^_-

I'm sure there is a lot of stuff I could do to help. Spend more time with God (which I need to do anyway), normal sleep pattern (or attempt), etc. My sister was right. I'm good at burying my issues instead of dealing with them. I guess I'm struggling with knowing what the difference is. You'd think I'd know by now. Oh, life! Lol, well I know the different results: one helps you get over the hurdle (I'm very happy to say I have done this in the past through counceling...) and the other causes festering and eventual explosion (this is the one I'm good at...). But, on the practical level, what's the difference? I know one is ignoring and the other is facing it. But what does that mean? I'm getting a little tired of the platitude of "dealing with the problem." That sounds nice and all, but what does it practically mean? While counceling has helped me in the past, it's not a cureall. That is actually something it taught me. It is one way to help. But what are otherways of facing the problem without going to a professional? Call me stubborn, but I'm learning that my independent streak is very strong and I really want to get over this without the help of a professional.

So...thoughts anyone?

Been a while...and...not much has changed

There are many times when I wish I was gifted with words like my sister. She can write about herself, life, emotions, whatever so beautifully, without her poetry sounding pretentious, cliche, or dry. How I wish I could do the same. Especially now. I feel like I can't even express how I feel. It's just kind of bubbling up inside. Like a pressure cooker. It's getting ready to explode. The last few times I've been able to release some of the pressure have only put a band aid on the pussing nastiness that seems to want to take over me. I want to sing it out, but I don't know the tune nor the words that fit. But I know that even screaming and crying and beating myself up won't fix it. But I'm not sure what else to do.

What makes it worse, is that most people (including myself) would just want to smack me if they heard what I'm in such a tizzy about. So...I'm not gonna tell you! >_<

I'll just babble for a while. Maybe that will help. Who knows. I guess I'll let you know after I'm done.

I have lost my appetite again. It started over the weekend when I was feeling queasy and puked and stuff, but it has not come back yet. If anything, it's gotten worse. I know how long I can go before I pass out from hunger now. It's really not very long. I could probably make it stretch longer if I drank more water. Don't worry, I'm not trying to starve myself. I just don't want to eat. After eating, I feel so distended and gross. I do eat because I'll get smacked (literally and figuratively) if I don't. But, it's getting hard again to force myself to eat.

Dancing used to be the best way for me to release my emotions that I couldn't otherwise express. I'd just bounce around my room for a while to songs that matched my feelings and slowly, slowly my inner turmoil and pain would subside. Now, I feel like so tired that it's hard to get up and move when I'm alone. Self consciousness begins to take over, even when there is no one there to judge me. So, my best venue for expression has become very hard for me right now.

Could be because I haven't been sleeping as much lately either. This semester has just been very hard for me on so many different levels. So, you'd think I'd totally crash when I'm able to at night. Ha ha ha! Funny child! I lie there on the border of dream land and...can't get in. It's like my body and brain are not in sync with the whole sleep concept. Oh, yea. And that old line of "cried myself to sleep" is just that. Just an old line. When you cry before you sleep, you don't sleep.

It's moments like these that I wonder if God can really use me. Here I am, not taking care of myself, an emotional wreck who can't use her emotional outlet, little kid who's slowly turning into an insomniac. How am I usable when I'm like this? Huh! How?! Is God showing me to rely on him more? That it's a daily process. I'm remembering the sermon from yesterday right now. The idea that we must be constantly be filled because "we leak." Lol, I feel like while most people need an occasional refill, I need a constant hose pouring into me. Maybe I'm trying to rely on myself too much. Or on others. I don't know.

Right now, I just know that it hurts. So much so that I can physically feel the pain. Tears aren't helping but they won't stop anyway. I'm reverting backwards and staying in the same spot. And yet, is it too much to say that I'm sorry but I don't ever want to hear you say that you're sorry? Don't say you're sorry or that you have regrets. Don't be in pain. Promise me that you aren't sorry or in pain. Please let me deal with it.

"I was born to laugh. I learned to laugh through my tears...Thank God for this new laughter. Thank God the joke's on me." The joke is on me. The ever paradox, the oxymoron. ;')

A Guidebook to Unrequited Love

Perhaps I'm just being silly and all, not knowing how else to deal with stuff except to make myself laugh. That's what I was born to do! (Ask me about the theme song of my life by Over the Rhine! ^_-)

By being silly, I deal with certain situations and pain. In this case, I will share with you all the rules of dealing with unrequited love. Trust me. I'm an expert. These rules help you to maintain your sanity when watching the one you like not return the feelings. At least they are the results of all the times I've had to deal with it, which is basically the story of my life when it comes to romance.

Just as a disclaimer and so no one shoots me down, I have had a boyfriend. That was back in high school. I don't really count this last incident cause it was way too short to even remotely resemble a real relationship. I have only turned down a guy once, again in high school. (Actually one of the biggest regrets within my story of "lurve," but that's another tale...) Thus, the majority of my experiences with love have been unrequited.

And so, I shall list the rules that I found were the most beneficial to me in hopes that others may benefit from them.

Okay, okay. I'm bored, silly, and don't know how else to deal with this crap save turn it all into an odd joke, but, heck, it makes me feel better...and I'm having fun with it!!! :D

Moving on...

Oh, yea, and fyi: these are directed towards girls...sorry, boys! No advice for you...save that this might give you insight into the mind of one very strange girlie! ^_^ But please correct or comment if you think I'm totally off base, okay la?

Here I go!

Guide #1: Avoidance. This only works if you don't want to even be friends with them or if you hope they like you and want to play hard to get in hopes they'll become interested. If you don't want to be friends with them, then you've really got to evaluate why you like them. Shouldn't relationships start with friendship anyway? Sure, it may hurt, but it's better than not being near them. And if you are playing hard to get, just don't play games. It may sound attractive and fun, but if they're gonna like you, they're gonna like you whether you play hard to get or not. Just be yourself!

Guide #2: Keeping your mind in the right place. This is one of the hard parts. It is really easy to try to rationalize why they don't like you romantically. You may think you aren't attractive/pretty enough or that you're too girlie or too boyish. Don't think too hard!! It could be that they just don't see you in that light. And you know what? That's okay! That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you! They may very well find you extremely attractive. They just aren't attracted to you in the romantic sense. Okay la? Don't get down on yourself. It only makes you hurt more and doesn't improve the situation. It's a waste of energy and time. True, it's hard, but just keep reminding thyself to not over think every little detail.

Guide #3: Tears. It's okay to shed those. Really. It is. If it makes you feel better, go for it! It absolutely does hurt, so don't pretend that it doesn't! So, go ahead and have a good cry or two. Alone or with your girl friends, whichever suites your fancy the best. Just don't over do it. Don't waste too much of your precious self over this guy, because obviously he's not agonizing over/longing after you. Don't give away too much of yourself before it is asked for, because when the right guy does finally show up, you'll have less to give to him.

Guide #4: Keeping your heart in the right place. This is the final and hardest guideline I have to offer you all. This takes a lot of practice, too. A lot of experimentation before the balance is found. The point is not to deny your feelings. That only causes coldness and a lock to be placed on your heart. Then it rusts and it's harder to open up when you finally want to. So, while not denying the feelings you have, you must not run away with them. It's the idea of "hoping for the best, expecting the worst" rationale. It is keeping the door open while not focusing all your attention on whether or not he's gonna walk through it. Enjoy the friendship. Enjoy being with him and spending time. Make beautiful memories. That way, you aren't wasting your time worrying about a relationship when you could be enjoying their company. The worst thing that could happen is that you get an amazing friend out of it. Absolutely it hurts. But, it's not like you have any choice in the matter of a relationship possibility when it's not a mutual attraction. Thus, your only choice is in your attitude. Learn to be content with the good over the best in the matters of your heart. Learn to accept it and smile. This is the key to dealing with unrequited love.

That's about it, folks! So, what did ya'll think of my ideas? I don't think they'll work for everybody because everybody's obviously different, but maybe it'll help some of you.

Walk with the King and be a Blessing (^_^)/

Post-conference: debrief and all

It turns out it was a good thing I went to the IV conference, Compelling. I managed to get a sore throat, but I think it'll go away fairly quickly...I hope? ^_^

I wouldn't say that I had a mountain top experience. I've been trying to avoid those, as you'd know if you've read one of my previous posts. I also wouldn't say that growth didn't occur. It definitely did. My track was called "Sexy on the Inside." It was all about intimacy and how God had intended it. Much of the time was spent doing personal time with God. That is what I think was the most beneficial. I was able to talk somethings over with the King and learned a lot about myself. I learned that while I know I am forgiven, I still feel impure. The healing is leaving a nasty scar that feels like it is inhibiting my cleanliness. I'm not quite sure how to stop this and feel pure again, but at least I recognize it and can now talk to my Father God about it. Perhaps when I am able to feel pure again, I will stop having flashbacks. Maybe. Who knows.

Another thing that was brought to light was something that I need constant reminder about and has often come up in my spiritual walk: relying on God alone for joy and fulfillment, letting Him be my one and only lover, my husband. I seriously think I should tattoo that to my forehead or something...He is the only one who won't let me down. Ever. I keep wanting to put faith in people when I should only have faith in Him. I remember back when I've lost friendship, trust in guys, trust in myself, etc. and I am reminded that only the Lord is constant. Never changing. People change too quickly for my taste. Not that I don't like people. I love people. I think I've just had too high expectations of my neighbor(s).

Lastly, God has given me a kind of peace regarding my latest dumb move in my life. (See last entry.) While the pain is still very real and I'm an idiot for still lingering on the past, I feel better, willing to smile and accept the role of sister. God showed me that I need to keep my mind and heart on one thing: Taiwan/future ministry. My eyes must not be led away from that goal. Sure, I may feel lonely some days, but I'll try to fall back on God when I feel like that. I was silly for allowing myself to entertain the idea of a boy in my life. All it did in the end was bring dissatisfaction in my life. I was perfectly content before. Oh, sure, I was attracted to boys and had random crushes, had my days when I was thinking, "God, where is he? I'm lonely," but all in all, I was satisfied. Or at least getting there. Romance in my life only brings a longing that hurts me and ends crappy. Therefore, I will keep my focus on my future, the vision God has given me for my life. Should I never have a significant other, I'll be happy because at least God gave me the joy of romance for a day. At least I was told I was beautiful and believed it. At least I was held close with real feeling and affection. My hand was held again. I felt truly special. I am so grateful to have experienced that. That bursting joy. That feeling that "you want the world to know it too" (line from a song from "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers"). It was great and I am really thankful for it. I may not have as many memories as I would have hoped, but at least I have those few. I suppose they were worth the pain in order to get.

I think I contradicted myself by saying that they were worth the pain after stating that I shouldn't get romantic anymore/romance ends crappy/keep my focus on the future/etc. but I am a paradox. A complex, girly paradox. And loving it. ^_-

*Edit: I forgot to add this little observation about God and myself when I first wrote this post. Here it goes. I think God has allowed certain things to happen in my life - like the most recent "hiccup" - because He knows I'm resilient. He knows I bounce back quickly. Very quickly Even after some of the most devastating things in my life, I've started moving forward sooner than others do who have gone through similar things. I don't know. Maybe that's why He allowed some things. I'm just stubborn, optimistic, Pollyanna, too-stupid-to-know-better or something. Perhaps that's it...But who knows...yea, that's about it.

Walk with the King and be a Blessing (^_^)/

I Give Up

Yea. I really should be working on my prompt book right now. It's due tomorrow. And I have to be up for clinicals in about 6 hours. Yet, I am here writing.

I'd like to ditto my last entry.

And add a little, of course.

Basically, I'm done. I give up. I can't do this anymore. You all might as well know. I had a boyfriend for less than 12 hours yesterday. Yea. How pathetic is that? He broke up with me within 12 hours of wanting to start a relationship. I feel so silly about that. So stupid. I was so happy. But, I forgot that the happier you are, the worse it hurts when it ends. I never thought I could relate to a Fahrenheit song so well. Here is the song (the song is translated, too). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03kgyeV55qw

I couldn't/can't stop crying. Crying like an idiot. Wanting to hold onto something that is not for me to hold on to. I'm such a moron for still liking a guy who doesn't have any kind of romantic feeling for me. Is it wrong that I still want to be held by him? Is it wrong that I miss his smell? Is it wrong that I can't be mad at him? I was angry with him for about 5 minutes. Then, it went away. I just can't stand the feeling of being angry with him. I want him back. I want him to hold me and tell me silly stories again. I want him to tease me and call me beautiful. It hurt so much to hear him tell me that he felt nothing but friendship. How did he lose his affection within 12 hours? That much made no sense to me. I mostly understood why he'd want to break up because he felt that God didn't want him to date right now. I didn't/wouldn't like it but could have dealt with it. But, I'm nothing but "a sister" now. Feelings gone, just like that. I think that's what hurts the most. And yet, I can't bear the thought of him not being a part of my life. Even if I am only a friend, I want to be near him. I want to be by his side.

Why do guys say that "you'll meet someone better" or whatever? I don't want someone else! I just want to be with you!! "Someone better?" That's bullshit. Complete. You made me become vulnerable and want you. Then you say that I should be with someone else? How is that supposed to make me feel any better?!

Okay, okay. I'll stop ranting. Bottom line, I give up. I give up on romance. I can't do this anymore. I am not strong or brave enough. I'm a coward. It's not worth it. Although, I am so grateful I was able to experience that happiness, if only for a day. But, I can't do it again. So, I'm done. I'm done with it all. I can't deal with it. I give up.

Many Tears

I really want to scream right now. As hard as I can. But I can't. Instead, my tears keep spilling down. I can't stop them.

Why did I have to put myself out there and take a risk? I know better. I really do. I forgot the promise I made to myself to protect myself, keep my heart closed forever. But, foolish me, allowed myself to wish and dream and risk. Stupid. I am so stupid. I really need to remember who I am and where I've been, what I've done. I've always felt like I was never lucky enough to experience certain happinesses. And, yet again, I was proved right. I feel so silly right now. Peace, you say? How can I feel peace? I'm too stupid for that. I really need to remember not to hope for such selfish things as I have. Have you forgotten, Becca? How could you? Just don't even entertain thoughts about certain ideals. They aren't for you.

"Hands touch, eyes meet.
Sudden silence, sudden heat.
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl...
Don't dream too far,
don't lose sight of who you are.
Don't remember that rush of joy...
Every so often we long to steal
to the land of what might have been.
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
when reality sets back in...
Don't wish, don't start.
Wishing only wounds the heart.
I wasn't made for the rose and the pearls..."
~excerpts from a song from the musical "Wicked"

That song sums a lot of it up. I guess it's a good thing that "I've learned to laugh through my tears." (Over the Rhine) Except, I shouldn't learn to "love without fear." (Same song from Over the Rhine.) That's too scary. Too risky. I'm not strong enough. I'm too scared now.

Of Faith and Patience and Stuff

Over the last two years, God had really shown me what faith is. I now understand that it is holding on and trusting when you have no idea what is going on or why you are even holding on anymore. Faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see." (Hebrews? something? I suck at references. I'm not even sure if that is an exact quote. It's been a while since that year of Bible quizzing and I'm feeling really lazy right now so I'm not going to look it up. I know, lame.) This quote points to waiting and being patient.

Patience. That is one thing I have always lacked. Even when waiting for the dumb light to change when I'm crossing the street. Waiting for school to get over. Waiting for my sister to show up to hang out. Waiting for someone to flip my ring around. (My ring is an Irish colada ring...) Although, that last one is more of a wish rather than an expectation.

As we wait through faith for certain things to happen or be revealed, we have no choice but sit. We (typically) don't know what will happen or what God's will is, His plan. Our only choice is found in our attitude toward the waiting. We can either be anxious and frustrated or we can chill and trust God. But, if we are anxious, are we still trusting? If we are living our faith and leaning on God's will and plan, will we not freak out anymore? Are we always going to be content and patient? Absolutely not! (I feel like Paul here...) This is were the paradox lies. Faith is holding on when we are freaking and patience is waiting for God's timing and/or answer with confidence.

So...we are confidently freaking? Maybe?

I know I probably sound really idiotic in this posting, but it was fun to think through while I am personally struggling with not knowing the future plans my Daddy has for me (both the near future and the distant). It can be quite annoying sometimes, the not knowing.

Another quick note is that sometimes God answers your prayers with a "yes" and a sigh. He allows you to have your desire, even if He knows it's not the best for you. It'll bring you more pain. In my case, I really wanted to know something. Now that I found that something out, it's hurting more now than beforehand. Makes me want to tell God that I've changed my mind. He really does know best and will let you experience things and learn things when you are ready for them. The more I learn about God and life and stuff, the more I realize how utterly foolish I am and how wise the King is. Why don't I just let Him control? That's what I should be doing anyway. Paul said it very well in Romans: "I do not understand what I do." Yup. That's me!

Okay, I'll stop my ramblings. I hope I made a little bit of sense today.

Walk with the King and be a Blessing! (^_^)/