A Guidebook to Unrequited Love

Perhaps I'm just being silly and all, not knowing how else to deal with stuff except to make myself laugh. That's what I was born to do! (Ask me about the theme song of my life by Over the Rhine! ^_-)

By being silly, I deal with certain situations and pain. In this case, I will share with you all the rules of dealing with unrequited love. Trust me. I'm an expert. These rules help you to maintain your sanity when watching the one you like not return the feelings. At least they are the results of all the times I've had to deal with it, which is basically the story of my life when it comes to romance.

Just as a disclaimer and so no one shoots me down, I have had a boyfriend. That was back in high school. I don't really count this last incident cause it was way too short to even remotely resemble a real relationship. I have only turned down a guy once, again in high school. (Actually one of the biggest regrets within my story of "lurve," but that's another tale...) Thus, the majority of my experiences with love have been unrequited.

And so, I shall list the rules that I found were the most beneficial to me in hopes that others may benefit from them.

Okay, okay. I'm bored, silly, and don't know how else to deal with this crap save turn it all into an odd joke, but, heck, it makes me feel better...and I'm having fun with it!!! :D

Moving on...

Oh, yea, and fyi: these are directed towards girls...sorry, boys! No advice for you...save that this might give you insight into the mind of one very strange girlie! ^_^ But please correct or comment if you think I'm totally off base, okay la?

Here I go!

Guide #1: Avoidance. This only works if you don't want to even be friends with them or if you hope they like you and want to play hard to get in hopes they'll become interested. If you don't want to be friends with them, then you've really got to evaluate why you like them. Shouldn't relationships start with friendship anyway? Sure, it may hurt, but it's better than not being near them. And if you are playing hard to get, just don't play games. It may sound attractive and fun, but if they're gonna like you, they're gonna like you whether you play hard to get or not. Just be yourself!

Guide #2: Keeping your mind in the right place. This is one of the hard parts. It is really easy to try to rationalize why they don't like you romantically. You may think you aren't attractive/pretty enough or that you're too girlie or too boyish. Don't think too hard!! It could be that they just don't see you in that light. And you know what? That's okay! That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you! They may very well find you extremely attractive. They just aren't attracted to you in the romantic sense. Okay la? Don't get down on yourself. It only makes you hurt more and doesn't improve the situation. It's a waste of energy and time. True, it's hard, but just keep reminding thyself to not over think every little detail.

Guide #3: Tears. It's okay to shed those. Really. It is. If it makes you feel better, go for it! It absolutely does hurt, so don't pretend that it doesn't! So, go ahead and have a good cry or two. Alone or with your girl friends, whichever suites your fancy the best. Just don't over do it. Don't waste too much of your precious self over this guy, because obviously he's not agonizing over/longing after you. Don't give away too much of yourself before it is asked for, because when the right guy does finally show up, you'll have less to give to him.

Guide #4: Keeping your heart in the right place. This is the final and hardest guideline I have to offer you all. This takes a lot of practice, too. A lot of experimentation before the balance is found. The point is not to deny your feelings. That only causes coldness and a lock to be placed on your heart. Then it rusts and it's harder to open up when you finally want to. So, while not denying the feelings you have, you must not run away with them. It's the idea of "hoping for the best, expecting the worst" rationale. It is keeping the door open while not focusing all your attention on whether or not he's gonna walk through it. Enjoy the friendship. Enjoy being with him and spending time. Make beautiful memories. That way, you aren't wasting your time worrying about a relationship when you could be enjoying their company. The worst thing that could happen is that you get an amazing friend out of it. Absolutely it hurts. But, it's not like you have any choice in the matter of a relationship possibility when it's not a mutual attraction. Thus, your only choice is in your attitude. Learn to be content with the good over the best in the matters of your heart. Learn to accept it and smile. This is the key to dealing with unrequited love.

That's about it, folks! So, what did ya'll think of my ideas? I don't think they'll work for everybody because everybody's obviously different, but maybe it'll help some of you.

Walk with the King and be a Blessing (^_^)/

Post-conference: debrief and all

It turns out it was a good thing I went to the IV conference, Compelling. I managed to get a sore throat, but I think it'll go away fairly quickly...I hope? ^_^

I wouldn't say that I had a mountain top experience. I've been trying to avoid those, as you'd know if you've read one of my previous posts. I also wouldn't say that growth didn't occur. It definitely did. My track was called "Sexy on the Inside." It was all about intimacy and how God had intended it. Much of the time was spent doing personal time with God. That is what I think was the most beneficial. I was able to talk somethings over with the King and learned a lot about myself. I learned that while I know I am forgiven, I still feel impure. The healing is leaving a nasty scar that feels like it is inhibiting my cleanliness. I'm not quite sure how to stop this and feel pure again, but at least I recognize it and can now talk to my Father God about it. Perhaps when I am able to feel pure again, I will stop having flashbacks. Maybe. Who knows.

Another thing that was brought to light was something that I need constant reminder about and has often come up in my spiritual walk: relying on God alone for joy and fulfillment, letting Him be my one and only lover, my husband. I seriously think I should tattoo that to my forehead or something...He is the only one who won't let me down. Ever. I keep wanting to put faith in people when I should only have faith in Him. I remember back when I've lost friendship, trust in guys, trust in myself, etc. and I am reminded that only the Lord is constant. Never changing. People change too quickly for my taste. Not that I don't like people. I love people. I think I've just had too high expectations of my neighbor(s).

Lastly, God has given me a kind of peace regarding my latest dumb move in my life. (See last entry.) While the pain is still very real and I'm an idiot for still lingering on the past, I feel better, willing to smile and accept the role of sister. God showed me that I need to keep my mind and heart on one thing: Taiwan/future ministry. My eyes must not be led away from that goal. Sure, I may feel lonely some days, but I'll try to fall back on God when I feel like that. I was silly for allowing myself to entertain the idea of a boy in my life. All it did in the end was bring dissatisfaction in my life. I was perfectly content before. Oh, sure, I was attracted to boys and had random crushes, had my days when I was thinking, "God, where is he? I'm lonely," but all in all, I was satisfied. Or at least getting there. Romance in my life only brings a longing that hurts me and ends crappy. Therefore, I will keep my focus on my future, the vision God has given me for my life. Should I never have a significant other, I'll be happy because at least God gave me the joy of romance for a day. At least I was told I was beautiful and believed it. At least I was held close with real feeling and affection. My hand was held again. I felt truly special. I am so grateful to have experienced that. That bursting joy. That feeling that "you want the world to know it too" (line from a song from "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers"). It was great and I am really thankful for it. I may not have as many memories as I would have hoped, but at least I have those few. I suppose they were worth the pain in order to get.

I think I contradicted myself by saying that they were worth the pain after stating that I shouldn't get romantic anymore/romance ends crappy/keep my focus on the future/etc. but I am a paradox. A complex, girly paradox. And loving it. ^_-

*Edit: I forgot to add this little observation about God and myself when I first wrote this post. Here it goes. I think God has allowed certain things to happen in my life - like the most recent "hiccup" - because He knows I'm resilient. He knows I bounce back quickly. Very quickly Even after some of the most devastating things in my life, I've started moving forward sooner than others do who have gone through similar things. I don't know. Maybe that's why He allowed some things. I'm just stubborn, optimistic, Pollyanna, too-stupid-to-know-better or something. Perhaps that's it...But who knows...yea, that's about it.

Walk with the King and be a Blessing (^_^)/

I Give Up

Yea. I really should be working on my prompt book right now. It's due tomorrow. And I have to be up for clinicals in about 6 hours. Yet, I am here writing.

I'd like to ditto my last entry.

And add a little, of course.

Basically, I'm done. I give up. I can't do this anymore. You all might as well know. I had a boyfriend for less than 12 hours yesterday. Yea. How pathetic is that? He broke up with me within 12 hours of wanting to start a relationship. I feel so silly about that. So stupid. I was so happy. But, I forgot that the happier you are, the worse it hurts when it ends. I never thought I could relate to a Fahrenheit song so well. Here is the song (the song is translated, too). http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03kgyeV55qw

I couldn't/can't stop crying. Crying like an idiot. Wanting to hold onto something that is not for me to hold on to. I'm such a moron for still liking a guy who doesn't have any kind of romantic feeling for me. Is it wrong that I still want to be held by him? Is it wrong that I miss his smell? Is it wrong that I can't be mad at him? I was angry with him for about 5 minutes. Then, it went away. I just can't stand the feeling of being angry with him. I want him back. I want him to hold me and tell me silly stories again. I want him to tease me and call me beautiful. It hurt so much to hear him tell me that he felt nothing but friendship. How did he lose his affection within 12 hours? That much made no sense to me. I mostly understood why he'd want to break up because he felt that God didn't want him to date right now. I didn't/wouldn't like it but could have dealt with it. But, I'm nothing but "a sister" now. Feelings gone, just like that. I think that's what hurts the most. And yet, I can't bear the thought of him not being a part of my life. Even if I am only a friend, I want to be near him. I want to be by his side.

Why do guys say that "you'll meet someone better" or whatever? I don't want someone else! I just want to be with you!! "Someone better?" That's bullshit. Complete. You made me become vulnerable and want you. Then you say that I should be with someone else? How is that supposed to make me feel any better?!

Okay, okay. I'll stop ranting. Bottom line, I give up. I give up on romance. I can't do this anymore. I am not strong or brave enough. I'm a coward. It's not worth it. Although, I am so grateful I was able to experience that happiness, if only for a day. But, I can't do it again. So, I'm done. I'm done with it all. I can't deal with it. I give up.

Many Tears

I really want to scream right now. As hard as I can. But I can't. Instead, my tears keep spilling down. I can't stop them.

Why did I have to put myself out there and take a risk? I know better. I really do. I forgot the promise I made to myself to protect myself, keep my heart closed forever. But, foolish me, allowed myself to wish and dream and risk. Stupid. I am so stupid. I really need to remember who I am and where I've been, what I've done. I've always felt like I was never lucky enough to experience certain happinesses. And, yet again, I was proved right. I feel so silly right now. Peace, you say? How can I feel peace? I'm too stupid for that. I really need to remember not to hope for such selfish things as I have. Have you forgotten, Becca? How could you? Just don't even entertain thoughts about certain ideals. They aren't for you.

"Hands touch, eyes meet.
Sudden silence, sudden heat.
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl...
Don't dream too far,
don't lose sight of who you are.
Don't remember that rush of joy...
Every so often we long to steal
to the land of what might have been.
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
when reality sets back in...
Don't wish, don't start.
Wishing only wounds the heart.
I wasn't made for the rose and the pearls..."
~excerpts from a song from the musical "Wicked"

That song sums a lot of it up. I guess it's a good thing that "I've learned to laugh through my tears." (Over the Rhine) Except, I shouldn't learn to "love without fear." (Same song from Over the Rhine.) That's too scary. Too risky. I'm not strong enough. I'm too scared now.

Of Faith and Patience and Stuff

Over the last two years, God had really shown me what faith is. I now understand that it is holding on and trusting when you have no idea what is going on or why you are even holding on anymore. Faith is "being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we cannot see." (Hebrews? something? I suck at references. I'm not even sure if that is an exact quote. It's been a while since that year of Bible quizzing and I'm feeling really lazy right now so I'm not going to look it up. I know, lame.) This quote points to waiting and being patient.

Patience. That is one thing I have always lacked. Even when waiting for the dumb light to change when I'm crossing the street. Waiting for school to get over. Waiting for my sister to show up to hang out. Waiting for someone to flip my ring around. (My ring is an Irish colada ring...) Although, that last one is more of a wish rather than an expectation.

As we wait through faith for certain things to happen or be revealed, we have no choice but sit. We (typically) don't know what will happen or what God's will is, His plan. Our only choice is found in our attitude toward the waiting. We can either be anxious and frustrated or we can chill and trust God. But, if we are anxious, are we still trusting? If we are living our faith and leaning on God's will and plan, will we not freak out anymore? Are we always going to be content and patient? Absolutely not! (I feel like Paul here...) This is were the paradox lies. Faith is holding on when we are freaking and patience is waiting for God's timing and/or answer with confidence.

So...we are confidently freaking? Maybe?

I know I probably sound really idiotic in this posting, but it was fun to think through while I am personally struggling with not knowing the future plans my Daddy has for me (both the near future and the distant). It can be quite annoying sometimes, the not knowing.

Another quick note is that sometimes God answers your prayers with a "yes" and a sigh. He allows you to have your desire, even if He knows it's not the best for you. It'll bring you more pain. In my case, I really wanted to know something. Now that I found that something out, it's hurting more now than beforehand. Makes me want to tell God that I've changed my mind. He really does know best and will let you experience things and learn things when you are ready for them. The more I learn about God and life and stuff, the more I realize how utterly foolish I am and how wise the King is. Why don't I just let Him control? That's what I should be doing anyway. Paul said it very well in Romans: "I do not understand what I do." Yup. That's me!

Okay, I'll stop my ramblings. I hope I made a little bit of sense today.

Walk with the King and be a Blessing! (^_^)/

Wo = baichi yinwei wo xi huan ta and Goodly News and Gabber

Why do my blogs always end up being such downers? If I had to guess, it would be because I only ever feel inspired to write here when I'm struggling, which is often. Or at least, something like that.

Don't worry too much, though. I'll end lighter. ^_^

"Ever feel like you've become the worst version of yourself?" That's a quote-ish from "You've Got Mail." I love that quote because I feel like that a lot. Yesterday especially.

Let me sort of explain. In non-specific terms. Mostly cause I'm afraid to get specific. Yea. It will be a little/a lot spastic and scatter brained but whatever. I guess you can ask me about it later if you really are confused.

Here it is.

Ever want something so bad it hurts? Yet, that thing is out of your control. Unattainable. You aren't even worthy of gaining it. Someone else deserves to get it before you do.
Ever been offered something you don't really want but consider it just because of the flattery of the offer? Because it felt/feels good to get the attention?
Know the song "I'm Not That Girl" from "Wicked"?

Over the Rhine kind of summed up this pretty well in their song "Latter Days." Check out the song here (sorry it's a live performance...) on youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftnjUpoCHAg

Well. That's basically it. At least on that issue.

On a far, far happier note, I gave my testimony at Real Life on Tuesday. It went really well. Really well. Far better than I ever expected. God is cool like that. I am so thankful for those who supported me through their prayers and/or presence. I can't even express how grateful I was when I heard Jess was coming up. She really is the best sister I could ever ask for. Te quiero, Ssica! *tackles*

I am slowly trying to lose myself in God again. That feeling that nothing else is needed because I am so much in love with Him. He really should be the one who satisfies me. I should be content in Him alone. This has always been hard for me to maintain. Through life and curve balls thrown at me, it has become more and more evident that God is the only one for me. Why am I such a prostitute wife to Him? Yet, He always calls me back. You'd think I would have gotten it by now. There's no one who can satisfy me like He does. He gives joy, no one else.

To get better this losing myself-ness, I am working on my spiritual fuel. What keeps me excited for my relationship with my Father King? Emotions? That's crap. Emotions are fleeting, even more than dandelion seeds. I am too ruled by my emotions as it is. How can I let them dictate my walk?

What about spiritual highs? You know, like the ones you get on retreats or conferences or whatnot. Those should be good, right? Well, not really. At least not for me. That fuel is more like putting dried pine needles on the fire. Fun, pretty, exciting, loud, explosive. Over in a flash. It is not a good fuel. After one of those really high mountains follows a deep valley to match. No thank you. Not for me. If that's how you roll, go for it. But, I wouldn't recommend it.

A friend of mine, Dustin, once told me that it shouldn't be a down pour. It shouldn't be mountains and valleys. Rather, a shimmering rain. A steady incline. Constancy. Slow and steady. Maybe I'm being a coward and taking the easy way. But for me, this is what fuel should be. Steady. Constant. Will I still slip? Duh. I do everyday. Will I grow? I probably won't feel the growth like I have before, but I hope I will. How will I maintain this shimmering incline? Disciplines are probably a good place to start.

So, should I do spiritual disciplines because I should or because I want to? If it is because I should, isn't that legalism? But if I do them only when I want to, it'll never happen or be inconsistent at best. That is how it worked in the past.

So, will disciplines be my fuel? My motivation to only look at God? The thing that keeps me satisfied? Not sure. Honestly, constancy and motivation have never been my strong points...