Ponderings...Much Delayed Ponderings...

Am I a good person?

Now, really...am I?

With all the things I do - and don't - how can I expect people to want to be with me, next to me, support me, love me.

Things said wrong, said right, said in-between. It's a wonder anyone - ANYONE - wants to call me, "friend."

Does anyone really want to call me that? I mean, really? My guess would be that it's more of a sad, pathetic tolerance, given who and what I've become over the years.

I've hurt so many: friends (words misused, misplaced, misunderstood), family (words used, placed, understood), D (all of the above - and he the one I claim to love).

I've lost contact with people I never wanted to leave (我的台湾朋友). People I claimed to love. I haven't forgotten them. Not a single face. Not a single voice. Never. Yet, I have not spoken to any in so long.

Not to mention, God. I don't remember the last time I really spoke to Him. How could I not talk to my Daddy for so long? He did so much for me, loves me so much, wants me so much...and yet, I ignore.

So, when I ask if I am really a good person, this isn't a pity seeking question. It isn't even a question I really wanted answered. I suppose it's a question I just want heard.

Where I am and Where I am Not

It has been nearly a year since I last posted here. It is probably because of a combination of life's business and curve-balls, with a dash of laziness . . . Okay, maybe more than a dash. Perhaps more like a tablespoon.

Regardless of why I never wrote, I suddenly felt compelled to this week. I had actually wanted to on Tuesday, but couldn't/didn't due to some other circumstances that I'll get to later.

Anyway, on to my usual ramblings.

This time last year I was spending my first week in Taiwan.

Learning, exploring, adventuring, soaking in the beauty of the country and the people. I often feel like Bella from Twilight when she says, "I'll miss the heat." Well, I miss the heat of Taiwan. It just made it so different from anywhere else I'd been. Almost magical, another world. Like the plane had taken me a few lightyears away to a tiny lush, mountain-filled dimension whose people, culture, flowers, and rain would capture my heart in a way I never thought possible.

I just finished watching a video posted on facebook that had some of my friends and acquaintances from Taiwan in it. They were doing outreaches in beautiful areas of the country. I had to restrain myself from going to cheapoair.com and booking a flight back right now.

But wait! These are my last two semesters in school. Since I'm accelerating through the summer I'll be done in December and then back in Taiwan in late winter/early spring. At least for a quick visit.

Right?

Wrong.

Instead of being in Big Rapids right now, in my apartment, studying away, I am in St. Joe, sitting on my couch, ill. My parents are starting to encourage me to drop out of the summer semester, so as not to push myself and risk relapsing. I know this is the smartest move but it is definitely not what I wanted.

Here's what happened.

Just this last Tuesday as I was driving home from my clinical in Grand Rapids, I cried. I screamed out, selfishly wanting to be on the other side of the world but stuck in tiny-town Michigan, finishing a degree I don't remember why I'm taking, feeling tired, and with the worst sore throat I had ever had in my life. I was going to write it all out that night here in a post. Just get it all off my chest and in the open. But, God had other plans for me.

My boyfriend found me on my couch in a weakened state and forced me to the hospital. There, the diagnosis came back: mono.

What am I supposed to do with this? I am starting to go crazy. I miss Taiwan so much, I cannot even express it correctly. A day doesn't go by when I don't think about its mountains

- so green and breath-taking, its people - so courteous and beautiful, its sun - so strong and warm, its food and drink - so tasty and addictin

g. I could go on and on. My friends whom I miss with all that is in me. I'd list them but it would be endless. How I wish to see them, talk to them, hug them, walk the night market with them, show them that I have not forgotten and still love them with all my heart.

HOW I MISS IT ALL!!!!!!

I get the feeling that whenever I talk about Taiwan, people think, "Can she just shut up about Taiwan? Seriously, she was only there for 2 months!" Or something along those lines. But I can't help it. I can't help but talk about it. My mined is constantly filled with thoughts of that country. My boyfriend is the only one who loves to hear me talk about it. He is a true God-send. Have no idea what I'd do without him.

Before going to Taiwan, I never thought I'd say that I would fall in love with a country, but I have. An island on the other side of the world.

Wait for me. I don't know when I can come back to you, but I will. 我答應你們。我会回来。我愛臺灣。我愛你們。

Worried to Tears

I saw it coming on the internet. I had wanted to experience one when I was still in Taiwan. I hoped it would not be too bad. Then I heard and read the news.

The typhoon was devastating.

While I was there, I experienced some fringe effects from a couple of tropical storms and typhoons. Wanting to really experience one, I had actually been a little disappointed. Storms are one of my favorite things because they are so exciting, exhilarating. I am such an idiot. Reality can really suck.

Now, I am so worried about Taiwan, I am fighting tears. Mostly because I just heard that YuJin, precious, beautiful YuJin, was hit badly. (That is the city I mentioned in an earlier posting.) Many people still in danger and homeless. Why can't I be there?!? I want to make sure that everyone is okay! I want to hold them and be sure that they are safe.

If I had stayed behind in Taiwan like I had wanted so desperately to, I would probably have been in the south, where the typhoon hit the worst. Was God sending me back here to get me away from the typhoon? I'm not sure. It is a possibility, I suppose.

The reason doesn't matter, though, I think. The simple, annoying fact is that I am here, on the other side of the world. So far away from my beloved YuJin, Taiwan.

WHY?!?! WHY LORD?! YOU KNEW IT WAS COMING! WHY DID YOU SEND ME AWAY!? I WANT TO BE THERE RIGHT NOW! I want to help!! It's not fair that I am all perfectly safe when those whom I have come to love and care deeply for are struggling! Lord, why can't you give me wings to fly back? The eagles wings said that we soar on when we trust in You. Let me go. It became my home, Father . . .

Please, protect my home, Abba. You are King and reign over all. You are strong and mighty, with power to do all things. So, protect them. Please. I beg You . . .

State-Side Once Again

Garn! I had a whole final posting all typed up and ready to publish when my battery died on my laptop . . . grr. Oh, well. I'm not gonna re-type it because there is no way I can remember it all (considering it was two days ago that I wrote it) and I'm feeling kinda lazy (blaming jet lag for that one). I actually slept all day yesterday. Literally. I woke up twice to eat. That's it. Oh, lovely jet lag and lack of sleep! -_- Lol, it did feel pretty good, but now I'm feeling rather groggy...

Well, what can I say? Taiwan is where I felt I belonged. There is a beauty there that cannot be described. I don't know and am tired of guessing what God has in store for me next. I'll figure it out as it goes, I guess. It's annoying but it's how God works, right?

What will I miss? A lot. The great public trans, convenient stores, scooters everywhere, even the heat. Everything is so cheap there, too. The people are so kind and welcoming. The mountains are beautiful. Green and flowery. There are so many trees that flower here. I mean, there. I'm not in Taiwan anymore . . . feels strange.

What won't I miss? Probably the spiritual warfare. That was really strong there and really affected me. And definitely the sqatty-potties. ^_^

Speaking of which, is it weird that I find it weird to be putting the toilet paper in the toilet instead of the trash can? O_o What's also strange is not sticking out anymore. I got used to being stared at. Now, all I see are white people. Odd feeling . . .

Will I go back? God willing. I've already promised a lot of people that I would go back, so I'd better one day! I already miss them. It was really hard to leave. I cried a lot. Fought back the tears even more. Even when I was in the airport in Taoyuan, I wanted to just cry. I didn't want to leave with all my heart. The only things that were keeping me from leaving were God's reminder that I need to finish school and thinking about everyone I get to see back home again. Seeing their smiling faces in my head kept me from just turning around and going back.

Now, I am sitting in my hotel room at 7:30 am, having already been up for about an hour, remembering. At least I was able to make beautiful memories to carry me through until I can see Taiwan again. The people, the mountains, the flowers.

Lord, please allow your unworthy servant to return soon . . .

Until then . . . Taiwan, see you in apple blossoms time.

Where I think I've Left My Heart. . .

Internet access has gone down considerably the last few weeks, ever since I went to Taoyuan. Now, that I've traveled south, it's gotten worse! TT_TT Oh, well...

This I actually wrote a couple of days ago before I could get online. I wrote it the day the first children's camp ended. I didn't read through it the first time I wrote it, so I've edited it once before publishing. Only cause some parts sounded very "Becca no like-y grammar" like. So, anywho... Enjoy! ^_-

Who knew that you can develop such strong bonds in such a short amount of time. After only five short days, love and friendship can grow and nurture to fullness. Then, when the time of separation comes, it is so painful.

Here in the country side outside Tainan, I have fallen in love with the people I’ve met: the group leaders and helpers and the church members and the campers, all of them. I cried today like I haven’t cried in a long time. I have never NOT wanted to part from people this much. Ever. The people are beautiful, sweet, funny, a joy. I cannot express it at all. Even now, as I write this, I can see their faces. Their eyes, smiles, tears. Hear their voices, laughter, squeals. From the youngest camper to the adults. Through age gaps, language barriers, and a short time frame, I came to love them so much that I don’t want to be apart from them.

Weird, huh.

Here I am, Little Miss Bubbles-and-Laughter, who bounces back from stuff and can go anywhere, meet anyone, love many things and people, yet feel no painful ache at separation. Oh, I do miss home, family, friends, familiarity. So, don’t get me wrong. I’m not shallow in my relationships. At least, I try not to be. But something pulled my heart here like never before. Here in Tainan's mango farmland. Sure, it’s not Taipei with its stunning Taipei 101 and lights and colors and beauty. It’s not Danshui with its convenient MRT and comfortable night market and river walk. It’s not Taoyuan with its green parks and hard-working YWAMers and stinky tofu guys (another story for another time…^_^). But here where it’s hotter and more humid, less convenient and little public transportation, Taiwan country life. Here, I never wanted to leave the people I met. The children grew and opened up. How I wish I could be there to watch them grow more and mature, become strong, beautiful men and women of God who are bold and full of true joy. The helpers also grew and opened up. The change was incredible. Some made the decision to truly follow Christ. I wish I could be here to help them see that God is the only one worth serving and following. Not popularity, not peer pressure, not idols, not pleasures of the world. Only God. I want to show the girls that God is not only Father, but Prince, Husband, Lover, and Companion. Their Creator who thinks – no, KNOWS that they’re beautiful, spiritually and physically. I want to help the guys see that they can be strong like David, son of Jesse, in the lineage of Christ, and follow after God’s heart, be a mighty warrior who fights against the history’s most powerful enemy, Satan. That they all – guys and girls – will have the passion and fire of the Holy Spirit overflowing them to flood stage so that not one part of them that is of the world - that chases after things that perish and that leave a blackness in their very beings - is left for them to trip and fall over. And those who have still to make a decision to accept Christ, I want to stay there and help them to see how beautiful God is and how much love He has and how much joy people have once they accept His gift to restore the relationship between us and God.

*Exhale*

So . . .

Is this where Christ is leading me? I don’t know. I was reminded today during a time of prayer - after I said my very tearful/sob-ful goodbye’s - of the song “Step by Step” by Rich Mullens. I won’t put all of the lyrics up now – you guys can look it up yourself. But the part that hit me the most was when the song goes:

“And step by step you’ll lead me
And I will follow you all of my days.”

Step by step. God leads step by step. What is my next step? I’m really not sure. I was pretty sure He was leading me to Taipei. I fell in love with that city almost immediately. But, there’s something about the people I met here. The slower pace of life . . .

I don’t know. I’ve decided not to guess too far. Who knows where God will lead me next. For now, I should just see what the next step is and do my best to try to prepare for the future, whatever it is. It’s so hard to prepare for what you don’t know is coming. But that’s life, isn’t it? No one ever knows. Except God. Duh. Di di-di. And He wants us to rely on Him alone. So, I will. Or at least I’ll try.

Next step: English camp #2! I suppose I shall see what God does there and where He leads after.

That's what I wrote the day the last camp ended. We just finished our first day of the 2nd camp and boy am I exhausted! It's definitely a different feeling. A little less jovial and more hectic. I don't know. It's hard to explain. Is it bad that I wanna go back to the other camp? -_-' Oh, well. Must not compare. Just press on and do the work given me.

Walk with the King and be a Blessing!
(^_^)/

Nearing the end of Part I

My time in Danshui/Taipei is almost over. I really have mixed feelings. Taoyuan is where I really want to do ministry during my stay here. The past two Tuesdays I've been able to go to Taoyuan and work at the Girl's Center. It was marvelous! The ministry there is so amazing and great work was being done. I'm also excited to meet and work with the people there in Taoyuan - you all know how I love meeting new people and developing new bonds. However, Danshui is kind of my first love of Taiwan. It is the first place I've come to, holds the first people I met here, and where I first started to feel comfortable. Not to mention it is sooo close to Taipei and awesome night markets. Thus, I am in a bit of a tizzy. Should I be glad my time here is ending? Not sure yet. I'll let you know after I'm in Taoyuan for a while! ^_^

I suppose I should update on the things I've been doing. Well, I've mostly done a little bit of this, a little bit of that (a pot, a pan, a broom, a hat...^_-). I've gone to the hospital to pray with and over some of the patients. This was really great. I was able to see what hospitals were like here (old but the care is really good - i.e. I wouldn't mind being admitted here!) and, not to mention, the blessing it was to pray with some of the people. I've gone to a convelescent (elderly people's) home here where I gave back rubs to some of the women. It was really enjoyable. It was just frustrating when I wanted to talk to them but couldn't! Oh, how I wish I could have conversed with some of the elderly and listen to some stories! And of course, almost everynight I have gone to the Rock Cafe to talk to the people who come in. Basically hang out and share Christ's love! Oh, so great! >_< The past couple of weeks I have sat in on the DTS class here. Oh. My. Word. God talked to me and taught me so much during these short two weeks! It was incredible. I have decided to do a DTS when I'm done with school. Whether I should wait until after I've paid off my loans or not is still up in the air. Where I will attend is also in question. I'm thinking of a few different locations. The Taoyuan base, Danshui base, Hong Kong base, or any other base that might offer the performing arts as a DTS. So, basically I'm deciding on whether God wants me to do a DTS in Taiwan or if I should do a performing arts DTS and if so, where. I'm trying really hard to listen to God about this. But I keep getting the same answer: not yet. Grr. I hate that one. Most people who know me know that, while I am an easy-going person, I am very impatient. I hate waiting. T_T Yet, I know God is trying to teach me a thing or two during this time. One thing is that when God first gave me the call to Asia, I stopped trusting in Him. I knew the direction and everything. I was basically set. Not really depending on God for direction. Now, He is trying to teach me that I must trust in Him. The future is in His hands and I need to be patient and wait for His direction. I don't need to know everything right now. If I did, I would not longer be relying on and trusting Him. *sigh* If only lessons could be learned a little easier... Another thing I'm learning is that I am still young - no need to rush. Kind of like the song "Vienna" by Billy Joel.

Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,...
Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

Okay, so maybe not all of the lyrics are exactly right for my situation, but you get the picture. I'M ONLY 21!!!! I have time to think, wait for God's timing and direction, and still do God's work. I just have to be willing to go when He calls. Like Isaiah when he said, "Here I am, Lord. Send me!" Or Gladys Aylward who was willing even when those around her said "You aren't qualified." Just following, no matter the cost, even if it sounds foolish and wrong. If God says to go, I must go. In His timing. *exhale* Oh, the lessons we learn! ^_^

I think that's enough for one entry. I'll try to do one more before I leave Danshui. That only gives me three days, though, because I'm leaving on Monday afternoon/evening. *tear* T_T

Walk with the King and be a Blessing!
(^_^)/

Going on two weeks...

I am now in my second week in Danshui, Taiwan. It is currently down pouring, a beautiful site! I love the rain. It's like God is cleaning everything again, from the air to the dirt.

My apartment I'm living in is quite cool during the day. So far it has yet to get unbearably hot...yet...My roomies are a-mazing! There are two other Rebecca/Rebekah's here, too. It makes things very interesting. Quite hilarious, actually. We try to all go by different nicknames, but it sometimes ends in an epic failure. We also spend quite a lot of time together, which has been wonderful so far. I really do love living with all four of the girls here (Rebecca, Rebekah, Mayi, and Ruth). They are all passionate about their relationship with their Lord, motivating me in mine. And on top of that, they are all just plain awesome!!

The Dragon Boat Festival was last weekend. I didn't see any of the bloodiness (many pierce their faces to appease the gods), but I have heard from staff that it can get bad. What I saw was actually quite happy and beautiful. There were a lot of fireworks (I have posted a video of some of the fireworks), firecrackers, parades, etc. Yet, it was a huge realization for me about how lost the people of Taiwan are. I couldn't help but feel immense sadness when I would see people participate in the festival. They didn't have to do that! If only they knew the only One worth serving! How much more beautiful would the festival be if they directed it toward Him! No more appeasing or sacrificing. Simply worship and adoration. As I watched the parades, listened to the drums, watched the fireworks, I imagined what it would be like if these were for worshipping God. It made me want to cry.

I have joined a few different ministries here last week. The convalescent home, hospital, worship times, prayer, The Rock Cafe, etc. It has made for a very busy time. But at the same time, I feel very relaxed. Maybe it's because I don't have every single moment of the day scheduled that I feel so at ease. When classes are in session, I am so busy with everything that I often find it hard to spend time abiding. I feel like I have to cram as much as I can in the day. Almost as if I can become a better person, better christian by putting way too much stuff on my plate. If I learn nothing else from this trip, at least I learned that it really is okay to take time to abide and be quiet.

During my trip to Taiwan, I was hoping that God would talk to me about what He wanted me to do with my life and how He wanted me to do it. However, everything is fuzzy once again. What I thought I knew, I lost. The only things I feel certain about are these: God is wonderful and He wants me to stay in Taiwan (after I finish my degree, of course). But there's still most of my trip left. Perhaps He will speak to me still.

That leads to another thing: I LOVE TAIWAN!!!! I really do. It is so comfortable here, the people are inviting, and there is such a need. (No, not that I love the need, but I feel like I can/should do something here...) I went to Taipei a couple of days ago and fell in love with the city. Yes, yes, Danshui is considered part of Taipei, but I fell in love with the actual city city. It was so beautiful, I almost cried. I wanted (and kinda did) to dance down the streets. I just couldn't get over how utterly beautiful it all was. I didn't want to leave. Ever.

Well, that's about all for now, peeps! I'll try to keep up a little better with posting here...But, alas, being the procrastinator that I am, twill probably end in failure. Epic failure. ^_^

Walk with the King and be a Blessing!
\(^_^)/