I'm Being Such a Girl...and a Long Winded One at that!

There are many times in my life that I more than enjoy being female. The utter silliness, make-up, dresses, and deep feelings that come with the territory. I love how complex we women are and the utter confusion we can cause to the males in our lives. I'm being honest! It's hilarious sometimes. Of course there is always the opposite when it is heartbreaking or frustrating. But I'm starting to go on a rabbit trail.

Back on track now...

There are just so many things that I love about being a woman, but there are at least just as many things I don't. I don't know if it's because of the fall of man that makes women unhappy with themselves, but it sickens me. I want to be happy with myself but can't seem to keep a hold on the belief that God thinks I'm beautiful how I am now. Completely beautiful. I have a few days here and there that I understand and am content, but it's very hard. I wonder why. Why am I not content with God alone? Why do I feel that I must meet other people's approval or yearn for their admiration? Why must I be beautiful by man's standards? Even as I write this, I feel guilty for wanting to go get dinner. I don't get myself.

That leads into another thing that I love about being a girl I have already mentioned: the complexity. However, this is also a curse. If even I don't get myself, how do I expect anyone else to understand? Why must emotions, feelings, etc. be so wavering? One minute, completely overwhelmed by the fun I'm having, and the next plagued by what was thought to be old news or something. I am very unsteady, out of control of my emotions. I hate that. It's freakin' annoying. That is actually one point that I envy boys on: their ability not to be totally out of control of emotions. At least in general it seems that way. Why must girls get mood swings, Lord?

Speaking of mood swings...

I was playing Ultimate Frisbee this last Thursday and having a blast with everyone. I was only one of two girls on the field. It was great and hilarious. I love hanging out with guys. (Not that I don't love girl time! ^_^) Anywho, there I was playing Ultimate when I got flashbacks. Those suck. Hard core. There's so little you can do to control them. If you can control them at all. It's like you're there again and want to change it, but can't. That causes panic. And that causes a panic attack. And that causes tachypnea. And that causes too much oxygen to be absorbed. And that causes fainting. Thank goodness I know how to keep from fainting. (Cover your mouth and breath in carbon dioxide.) But, I didn't/don't know how to stop flashbacks and I knew I was acting wierd. Everyone kept asking if I was okay. I couldn't just tell them that I was being dumb and couldn't control myself from remembering. I felt like crap and so, so dumb. I can't even control myself from remembering. Becca no baka.

I know that the flashbacks won't go away, but I wish I knew of a way to react when I get them. It's really embarrassing. It really sucks.

*Exhale*

I'm finally done ranting. I'm not sure if I made any sense or not, but I do feel better now. For this posting, I won't mind comments, but don't be cliche. I've heard all the "churchy" responses. I don't really need to hear that right now. I don't really know what I need to hear right now. I guess, just thanks for listening. Yea.

Walk with the King and be a blessing.

Not a Good Response...

So...

Earlier in the week, there was a group of evangelists that came to Ferris. The preacher/speaker would stand next to the library and shout out to people about who is going to hell and how to escape it. Except that he/she (the speakers would rotate) stated some things that really got my blood boiling. Christians don't sin (if you sin after accepting Christ, you will go to hell), God's love is conditional, you have to purify your life before Christ/God will accept you, and MLK is in hell are just a few of the things stated by the speaker that got me mad.

Thus, I tried to argue with him. Needless to say, I failed. He flat out told me that he didn't want to talk to me and that I was going to hell. Yea. I left after that.

But, being the stupid person I am, I went over to the people speaking more one on one and tried to argue with them. Yea. That was a smart one, Becca! All that happened was that I got angrier for being told that I am going to hell and am blinded by the enemy. They didn't even have a good response for my rebuttals. *Exhale*

All that happened only got people on the campus angry and thinking poorly of Christians. Well, I can't really say that. Maybe someone was touched and began thinking. I don't know. Overall, their message lacked love.

Then, I began to examine how I responded. I was angry with them for not being loving and I reacted the way I did! Not exactly a loving response. I was frustrated and annoyed and embarrassed. Should I have acted differently? Suppressed my anger? Was God happy with how I acted that day? Probably not.

However, Jesus did get angry. So, anger in and of itself is not evil. Maybe I just didn't react well to my anger.

There are a few videos on youtube about what happened. Here is one link if you want to check it out. I came out a little later after this video was made when my friend called me to tell me what was going on. You actually can see my dorm from the vid! ^_^ Also, there is some language, just to warn you. I found a total of 6 vids about the two days the preachers were there. Anywho, here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irG9k3EML90&feature=related

Let me know what you think, ok la?

Sleepless in . . . Big Rapids?

I can't fall asleep. I'm insanely tired/sleepy, but dreamland is alluding me tonight.

I guess I'm thinking a lot about stuff. Mostly my failures. Why is it that it seems to hurt more when I fail man and not God? Sounds really backwards to me.

Among the numerous things plaguing my mind tonight that block the bridge to beautiful sleep is how annoyingly girly I am. How frustratingly insecure. I'm probably just having a bad day/night about all that. I talked to a friend of mine here at Ferris and it made me feel a little better. Not perfect and confident like I was yesterday, but better. I don't know why I'm having issues again. I had finally come to peace with everything (peace, not perfection) when suddenly, WHAM! I get struck with the aching knot known as loneliness. Or maybe bitterness or regret are better words. No, bitterness isn't quite right. Regret is pretty good. I feel like I've blown it and should just deal with the consequences.

Okay, I know. I'm being really vague, but this is a public diary! (^_-)

I calculated how many calories I ate this week and I was in the higher end of my goal range. I'm actually pretty excited about that. I made my goal! (By 145 calories . . .) I hope I can do better next week. I really want to get down to a healthy weight. I'm kinda tired of feeling like the "fat chick."

Maybe I'm not thinking about it in a good way. Maybe it's too vain. I hardly ate anything today until really late at night. I only ate cause I knew that if my sister heard of it, she'd have my brains disected or something. But it scared me to know that it didn't feel horrible to not really eat. "Maybe I could just not eat. I'd lose weight faster." That's what went through my head. That scared me. But, knowing myself and the fact that I fail so much and so incredibly easily, I might just do that next time. I really want to be thin. I really want to be beautiful. I really want to be strong and able to do things I can't right now because I'm to stinkin' fat. Really. I'm such an idiot, ne?

Becca no baka.

I have totally sucked this week in doing a daily time with God. I think it only happened twice. That's unacceptable. What's wrong with me? Here God gave me this vision of an awesome "boot camp" to get me back in shape, physically and spiritually, and I'm considering abandoning food and practically don't spend any time with my Lord. Grrr! This is so frustrating!

I feel very lazy. I don't have much motivation to do much of anything. Sure I go to class and do the minimum of homework and try to stay active on campus, but deep down, I'm feeling really empty. Really bleh and blah. I don't even want to watch Asian dramas or read mangas! That used to be what I'd always be doing. What kept me from hanging out with people and from homework. Now, I don't know how I feel. Like I should be doing something but lacking the ganas to do anything. Not quite sure of what to make of all of this one, folks. I've never encountered total lack of desire to do anything. Before I at least had the desire to lay down and do nothing. Now, that doesn't even sound appealing!

I suppose I'll try to go to sleep now. Maybe I can finally close my eyes, rest my head, and wander into a dream.

Walk with the King and be a blessing!

\(^_^)/

Semi-New Start

This isn't my first time writing a blog. I had one a while ago. I think in middle school or high school. But that doesn't really matter.

I'm kind of doing a reboot for myself. I was once a typical, churchy Christian who felt that all the answers were simple and people just need to believe and smile. Then, I went through a lot. Some my fault, some not. But, I have changed. Some good, some bad. Seeing where I've been and who I have become has excited, scared, and troubled me. There are many things I want to change about myself. Many disciplines I've lost or never had need to be placed in my life. Some attitudes need to be repaired or killed. I'm starting a lot of new things, like this blog, to try to become the child and woman God wants me to be. I know this is going to be a hard long road, but I know I need to work my way through it all. If I screw up, I screw up. I just hope that I have the strength and character to not go back.

I'm not very good with words and expressing myself very well, but I wish that this will be a place for me to record myself and the progression or digression I make. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the sad, the comical. I know that I'm being a little dramatic with all this, but there is this feeling of renewal and understanding that urges me to be a little foolish.

I could go on to explain all the little things I'm doing to become who I should, but I won't. I'll just explain why my title is "Adopted Daughter of King Yeshua." There is a verse in the Bible that talks about being "adopted as sons." (I have no idea where it is. I'm horrible with references. All I know is that it is in the New Testament - probably in one of Paul's letters, which isn't incredibly useful, I know.) Therefore, I have been adopted into God's family as a child. Into the family of Yeshua (a name for Christ), who is the King. This is a royal family. As a child of the royal family, I must conduct myself in a way befitting a princess, keeping in mind where I've come from. I know this is very cliche, but it has many implications that many don't think about. Being a royal means not shaming the King. We are representatives of the royal household. The royal household should be attractive to others. A place to aspire to. Am I doing this? Not very well. Am I being humble about my station? (I must remember where I've been in order to not become filled with pride.) Not really. These sort of changes are what I am working on. I want to become a woman of God, a daughter of the King, that my Abba will be proud of. I guess we'll see how it all goes.

Walk with the King and be a blessing!