Next Day

So, writing it all out like that really did help yesterday. Maybe it's not as pretty sounding as I might have liked, but it did what it was supposed to do.

After reading yesterday's post, a friend of mine says that I'm depressed. After re-reading the post from yesterday, I'd have to agree with her. However, I don't think it's the same as the depression I dealt with in the past. Before, I had no idea why I felt crappy and tired and all. But, right now, I have a pretty good idea what is causing it. It's probably a combination of things. I guess that doesn't really matter right now, though. It also feels different. There's not the utter hopelessness. I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself, but I'm not. There's pain, yes. It is causing me to lose my appetite (don't worry, I'm still eating, like I've said before...), lose sleep (this one I'm not sure how to force...), and lose energy (I wouldn't say I've lost interest, luckily...), yes. But there isn't the black, evil feeling from before. Thank God. That was always the worst part. Feeling of being stuck with no way to get out. Is the pain I feel right now depression? Probably. Is it as bad as before? I think that's irrelevant. Is it different this time? Absolutely. Why? Because I really do feel hope in the pain. Actually, there is a Superchick song called "Beauty from Pain." It's very true and I hope I'm getting better at seeing the beauty during the pain as well as after. Not that it makes it hurt less, just easier to deal with.

One lucky thing is that this whole thing is that it comes in waves. I feel the worst when I'm alone and at night. When I'm around people, I am energized and feel great. Like, "Yeah, it's annoying, but it's not forever and I can definitely deal with it." Probably because I'm sanguine.

Thus, I have found the solution to my problem: hang out with people 24/7! j/k ^_-

I'm sure there is a lot of stuff I could do to help. Spend more time with God (which I need to do anyway), normal sleep pattern (or attempt), etc. My sister was right. I'm good at burying my issues instead of dealing with them. I guess I'm struggling with knowing what the difference is. You'd think I'd know by now. Oh, life! Lol, well I know the different results: one helps you get over the hurdle (I'm very happy to say I have done this in the past through counceling...) and the other causes festering and eventual explosion (this is the one I'm good at...). But, on the practical level, what's the difference? I know one is ignoring and the other is facing it. But what does that mean? I'm getting a little tired of the platitude of "dealing with the problem." That sounds nice and all, but what does it practically mean? While counceling has helped me in the past, it's not a cureall. That is actually something it taught me. It is one way to help. But what are otherways of facing the problem without going to a professional? Call me stubborn, but I'm learning that my independent streak is very strong and I really want to get over this without the help of a professional.

So...thoughts anyone?

Been a while...and...not much has changed

There are many times when I wish I was gifted with words like my sister. She can write about herself, life, emotions, whatever so beautifully, without her poetry sounding pretentious, cliche, or dry. How I wish I could do the same. Especially now. I feel like I can't even express how I feel. It's just kind of bubbling up inside. Like a pressure cooker. It's getting ready to explode. The last few times I've been able to release some of the pressure have only put a band aid on the pussing nastiness that seems to want to take over me. I want to sing it out, but I don't know the tune nor the words that fit. But I know that even screaming and crying and beating myself up won't fix it. But I'm not sure what else to do.

What makes it worse, is that most people (including myself) would just want to smack me if they heard what I'm in such a tizzy about. So...I'm not gonna tell you! >_<

I'll just babble for a while. Maybe that will help. Who knows. I guess I'll let you know after I'm done.

I have lost my appetite again. It started over the weekend when I was feeling queasy and puked and stuff, but it has not come back yet. If anything, it's gotten worse. I know how long I can go before I pass out from hunger now. It's really not very long. I could probably make it stretch longer if I drank more water. Don't worry, I'm not trying to starve myself. I just don't want to eat. After eating, I feel so distended and gross. I do eat because I'll get smacked (literally and figuratively) if I don't. But, it's getting hard again to force myself to eat.

Dancing used to be the best way for me to release my emotions that I couldn't otherwise express. I'd just bounce around my room for a while to songs that matched my feelings and slowly, slowly my inner turmoil and pain would subside. Now, I feel like so tired that it's hard to get up and move when I'm alone. Self consciousness begins to take over, even when there is no one there to judge me. So, my best venue for expression has become very hard for me right now.

Could be because I haven't been sleeping as much lately either. This semester has just been very hard for me on so many different levels. So, you'd think I'd totally crash when I'm able to at night. Ha ha ha! Funny child! I lie there on the border of dream land and...can't get in. It's like my body and brain are not in sync with the whole sleep concept. Oh, yea. And that old line of "cried myself to sleep" is just that. Just an old line. When you cry before you sleep, you don't sleep.

It's moments like these that I wonder if God can really use me. Here I am, not taking care of myself, an emotional wreck who can't use her emotional outlet, little kid who's slowly turning into an insomniac. How am I usable when I'm like this? Huh! How?! Is God showing me to rely on him more? That it's a daily process. I'm remembering the sermon from yesterday right now. The idea that we must be constantly be filled because "we leak." Lol, I feel like while most people need an occasional refill, I need a constant hose pouring into me. Maybe I'm trying to rely on myself too much. Or on others. I don't know.

Right now, I just know that it hurts. So much so that I can physically feel the pain. Tears aren't helping but they won't stop anyway. I'm reverting backwards and staying in the same spot. And yet, is it too much to say that I'm sorry but I don't ever want to hear you say that you're sorry? Don't say you're sorry or that you have regrets. Don't be in pain. Promise me that you aren't sorry or in pain. Please let me deal with it.

"I was born to laugh. I learned to laugh through my tears...Thank God for this new laughter. Thank God the joke's on me." The joke is on me. The ever paradox, the oxymoron. ;')